I need to make my journal private for this entry. I also need objective minds!
....deleted the rest in order to put my journal on public again...
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Thanksgiving
I want to wish everyone here a good and happy Thanksgiving! I can't believe how fast it caught up with us this year. I'm in a better place then I was last year and I'm actually looking forward to dressing up and going to my aunt's to eat. I'm especially glad my bf will be there with me; otherwise I don't know how I would feel.
There is only about 2 weeks of school left and I've been under lots of pressure. I've had a group presentation that lasted 45 minutes, and have been working on many papers. Grad school is really kicking my bootie! But I must admit I am learning a lot and have been gaining confidence.
On Tuesday, I went to the dentist and it turns out I have a cavity :( I also want to fix a little space I have in my teeth so we shall see what happens with that...
Well I don't really have anything interesting or fun to report about! Until next time...
There is only about 2 weeks of school left and I've been under lots of pressure. I've had a group presentation that lasted 45 minutes, and have been working on many papers. Grad school is really kicking my bootie! But I must admit I am learning a lot and have been gaining confidence.
On Tuesday, I went to the dentist and it turns out I have a cavity :( I also want to fix a little space I have in my teeth so we shall see what happens with that...
Well I don't really have anything interesting or fun to report about! Until next time...
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
1 Year
Didn't quite allow myself to think about today, today. To think that a year ago was the worst day of my life does not seem real. Am I allowing myself to feel? I think I am. Don't know what I was expecting but I feel differently. It's scaring me a little but I'm not thinking, I'm not thinking, I'm not thinking.....
Bought a knee-length "puffer" jacket that looks really good on me. Jay and my mom love it :)
*not thinking, not thinking*
I tutored both of my girls today. One was more receptive then the other..owell...
Mom made some delicious food that will be our supper for the next few days. YUM
*thinking* RIP I love you daddy where you are, save a place for me but take your timeeee! Be my angel and guide me through. xoxoxo
Bought a knee-length "puffer" jacket that looks really good on me. Jay and my mom love it :)
*not thinking, not thinking*
I tutored both of my girls today. One was more receptive then the other..owell...
Mom made some delicious food that will be our supper for the next few days. YUM
*thinking* RIP I love you daddy where you are, save a place for me but take your timeeee! Be my angel and guide me through. xoxoxo
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Personal
I have always wanted to write a book. Ever since learning to read in the second grade (hey, the only language I knew was Polish until Kindergarten), I've read everything I've picked up and loved it. In the third grade I received a children's Bible for Christmas and read many chapters and verses by the time evening came. During winter recess, I would stock up on books and read the American Girl series, Babysitters Club, and Twin Valley short stories. The rest, I'm afraid, I do not presently recall. My Babci (may she rest in peace) always commented on how I looked like Molly with my thin frame and glasses. Reading has always been my passion.
Since then, every once in a while my mother will tell me how much she would love it if I wrote her biography. In addition, my brother and I always insisted, and would have loved, if my dad wrote his life story. It would be interesting to read about growing up on the East side in the late 40's and 50's, being drafted into the Vietnam War at the age of 21, graduating from the once prestigious Brooklyn Tech high school, and working for AT&T, Bell Atlantic, and Verizon which he did from age 17 until his death. Yup, my father loved his company and was extremely loyal to it until the end. Til this day all I know is Verizon. Of course I would not want to read all the bad parts but I have heard enough of them to remember.
Then I entered college and lo and behold became a Psychology and English major. I did well....and better yet...and succeeded beyond my imagination. I am lucky I have no regrets. My father knew that his money spent was well worth it. Hours before my dad died, I managed to ask him if he thought studying school counseling was a good idea. I don't think he took me as seriously when I brought this up while he was well. By then, I think we both knew that I would need a counselor much more then what I was willing to do with it. There is a part of me that thinks he thought I would never go through with it.
I remember when Jay bought me that beautiful aquamarine ring in Christmas 2005. The next morning was a Saturday and I can remember it vividly. My father was sitting in his chair in the kitchen table eating eggs and bacon I bet. My mom was in the kitchen cooking when I showed her what Jay had gotten me. Before he could see it my dad asked if it was an engagement ring. I was surprised at how calmly he asked me this question,I was only 20! I say this only because lots has changed since then and I am not the same person. Based on this simple accepting expression, I know he approved. If I wrote my book, this event would most likely be added.
I'm thinking that maybe there will come a day when I do decide to write something pertaining to my family. If not, I'm comforted that this journal is as close to noting my experiences as it gets. While I may never really get a chance to write and publish a biography or any novel for that matter, my hope is that these spontaneous jottings that I am delivering will suffice :)
Since then, every once in a while my mother will tell me how much she would love it if I wrote her biography. In addition, my brother and I always insisted, and would have loved, if my dad wrote his life story. It would be interesting to read about growing up on the East side in the late 40's and 50's, being drafted into the Vietnam War at the age of 21, graduating from the once prestigious Brooklyn Tech high school, and working for AT&T, Bell Atlantic, and Verizon which he did from age 17 until his death. Yup, my father loved his company and was extremely loyal to it until the end. Til this day all I know is Verizon. Of course I would not want to read all the bad parts but I have heard enough of them to remember.
Then I entered college and lo and behold became a Psychology and English major. I did well....and better yet...and succeeded beyond my imagination. I am lucky I have no regrets. My father knew that his money spent was well worth it. Hours before my dad died, I managed to ask him if he thought studying school counseling was a good idea. I don't think he took me as seriously when I brought this up while he was well. By then, I think we both knew that I would need a counselor much more then what I was willing to do with it. There is a part of me that thinks he thought I would never go through with it.
I remember when Jay bought me that beautiful aquamarine ring in Christmas 2005. The next morning was a Saturday and I can remember it vividly. My father was sitting in his chair in the kitchen table eating eggs and bacon I bet. My mom was in the kitchen cooking when I showed her what Jay had gotten me. Before he could see it my dad asked if it was an engagement ring. I was surprised at how calmly he asked me this question,I was only 20! I say this only because lots has changed since then and I am not the same person. Based on this simple accepting expression, I know he approved. If I wrote my book, this event would most likely be added.
I'm thinking that maybe there will come a day when I do decide to write something pertaining to my family. If not, I'm comforted that this journal is as close to noting my experiences as it gets. While I may never really get a chance to write and publish a biography or any novel for that matter, my hope is that these spontaneous jottings that I am delivering will suffice :)
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Looking Back
Next Tuesday will be the one year anniversary of my father's death and I've been contemplating this entire year. It makes me sad and anxious that this had to happen and I still do not understand. I had a hard time going to sleep last night since I was envisioning the night he died and the gasps of air he had to take in the end. I know I should not think like this but I can't help it. Maybe its the summation of the week I had that is causing me to feel this way. Let me go back to last week..
A week ago I found out that the mother of a grammar school classmate of mine had died from lung cancer at the age of 47. I went to the wake and the funeral the day afterwards but I mourned for my father as well. It has been the first funeral since my dad's and I relived the moment. I felt for my friend especially since the one year mark is looming ahead.
Yesterday my best friend called me to tell me her own grandmother had succumbed to lung cancer. Once again, I felt shock and sadness and kept talking to her since she was alone in the hospital next to her grandma's body. About two weeks ago, I had gone over to visit her on her name day and she was really appreciative of me being there. I felt like she was my grandmother.
I just finished looking over the condolences and cards we had received and I miss my father. I'm afraid that I will forget things that I remember from a year or more ago. Will the details fade? Will I forget his facial expressions or the humor that he had? I even went back to my archives on this journal and there are so many things I had forgotten that occurred. I know that my father wasn't perfect but it is still a loss. I will probably write more in the days to come...
I almost forgot.... Happy Halloween my friends!!! Trick or Treat!
A week ago I found out that the mother of a grammar school classmate of mine had died from lung cancer at the age of 47. I went to the wake and the funeral the day afterwards but I mourned for my father as well. It has been the first funeral since my dad's and I relived the moment. I felt for my friend especially since the one year mark is looming ahead.
Yesterday my best friend called me to tell me her own grandmother had succumbed to lung cancer. Once again, I felt shock and sadness and kept talking to her since she was alone in the hospital next to her grandma's body. About two weeks ago, I had gone over to visit her on her name day and she was really appreciative of me being there. I felt like she was my grandmother.
I just finished looking over the condolences and cards we had received and I miss my father. I'm afraid that I will forget things that I remember from a year or more ago. Will the details fade? Will I forget his facial expressions or the humor that he had? I even went back to my archives on this journal and there are so many things I had forgotten that occurred. I know that my father wasn't perfect but it is still a loss. I will probably write more in the days to come...
I almost forgot.... Happy Halloween my friends!!! Trick or Treat!
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
anniversary
So yesterday was jason's and my three year anniversary. we went to a lovely italian restaurant and we pretty much had the restaurant to ourselves. since it was pretty much early in the evening there were only about 3 other couples in there. we lucked out since we had 2 waiters and they kept on refilling our waters constantly! we were afraid to sip! we both ordered penne a la vodka and i had a salad as an appetizer and jay had clams. they had old love songs playing, it was perfect!
we both got each other little presents and i was very happy. afterwards, we went back to the apartment and watched "the graduate." i had no idea it was that old but it was pretty good. we had red wine and cupcakes. it was a fabulous night. we deserved it, don't you think? :)
we both got each other little presents and i was very happy. afterwards, we went back to the apartment and watched "the graduate." i had no idea it was that old but it was pretty good. we had red wine and cupcakes. it was a fabulous night. we deserved it, don't you think? :)
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Why are some people stronger than others?
I tried to cry last night but the tears wouldn't flow. I'm afraid I'm all cried out for a while. When I heard that my fellow blogger had died, I felt so sad. All the memories started to come back to me as they inevitably do. I sometimes think why bad things don't happen to other people. I am not being malicious, I'm just genuinely curious as to why some get happiness more easily than others.
I look at my mother and I wish I was like her. Even though she lost her husband and her mother is now sick with cancer, she has this aura and strength that I wish more people knew about. Little things such as me buying boots for my dog makes her happy. There is certainly pain there and I sometimes think whether her happiness is not just a disguise. My mom is very religious and believes things turn out the way they are supposed to. But believing this is one thing, being this strong is another.
One thing my mother has taught me is to take care of my relationships. Last week my mother compared relationships to plants saying that plants will die without water in the same way our relationships with people will die if there is no care.
My mom doesn't need to tell people how tough she is, she just is. If there is anyone I wish happiness and relaxation for, it is for my mom. She is the only person I see every single day and loves me unconditionally. Maybe one day I'll know why others seem to have more happiness in their lives but I know this one thing: if I can't have an abundance of happiness, at least I have strength that is a more meaningful quality and will sustain me, ha!
I look at my mother and I wish I was like her. Even though she lost her husband and her mother is now sick with cancer, she has this aura and strength that I wish more people knew about. Little things such as me buying boots for my dog makes her happy. There is certainly pain there and I sometimes think whether her happiness is not just a disguise. My mom is very religious and believes things turn out the way they are supposed to. But believing this is one thing, being this strong is another.
One thing my mother has taught me is to take care of my relationships. Last week my mother compared relationships to plants saying that plants will die without water in the same way our relationships with people will die if there is no care.
My mom doesn't need to tell people how tough she is, she just is. If there is anyone I wish happiness and relaxation for, it is for my mom. She is the only person I see every single day and loves me unconditionally. Maybe one day I'll know why others seem to have more happiness in their lives but I know this one thing: if I can't have an abundance of happiness, at least I have strength that is a more meaningful quality and will sustain me, ha!
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