More venting

I'm feeling stressed out today. It started in the morning when I tried calling my doctor to get the results of my x-ray. After speaking with several people, I finally left a message with the secretary. That was 9 hours ago and she hadn't called me back and I doubt she will call me tomorrow. I guess I need to try again tomorrow morning.

My mom and I are paying more then we should for our health insurance. Before my father's one year anniversary of his death, both of us were covered under his medical and now that is no longer the case. So my mom is looking for another job to handle this extra weight *sigh*

It seems that I write whenever things are wrong or have gone awry. Writing is, and has always been, very therapeutic for me. I was looking through my old journals and the entries I have created since I was young. I actually haven't updated my "paper" journal for over a year and I did yesterday. I love how I have these things to look back on and it's interesting to see how much I have grown

Rants

I'm finally finished with school and it wasn't without any hard struggles in this past week. It started with one of my professors who exempted me from her paper final only to give me an A- for her class. After emailing her about this, she explained that the "-" was for not participating and speaking up in class. I can remember volunteering to be her "class dummy" in which I was the counselor and she was the bratty eighth-grader. I participated at least one in every class and this wasn't enough for her. Just because I'm not as loud as some other more experienced students in my class, she thinks this is the kind of person I am. She says that I will have to speak up and break up fights and arguments when I am in school. Duh! I work in an after school program, I know all about this. I hate how she thinks she can pigeonhole me as a certain person but she does not know me.

I hope that I can one day find a great boss because this boss I am working for now is no good. I've been there around 5 years and she still treats me like I'm a teenager, not someone who is getting her Master's degree. The other day, she told me harshly, "Joanna, NO ONE is allowed to go outside, OKAY??" I said "Sure, why, is there someone outside right now?" and she tells me with her hands up in the air, "THIS IS A STATEMENT, I said NO ONE is allowed to go out!" She was referring to the bad weather we were having on the East Coast a couple of days ago. Geez, mind you, this was in front of all the students and several adults who were in the room. How dare she speak to me and humiliate me like that. God forbid I ask a question. I think she expects me to be a robot and nod my head yes Ms. Eileen. This job is so convenient though and gives me flexible hours and I would hate to leave it. If only my professor had seen me, haha.

It's funny how does two people can preoccupy my mind these past few days. Now that I got it out of my system, I can put on Christmas songs, wrap presents, and try having some fun! :)

Taking it Slow(er)

I don't think I mentioned that I went to see an allergist last week. For years I've been sneezing and feeling allergic to things in my house. Well after the allergist tested me, I discovered that I'm allergic to dogs (I have a dog ), dust and roaches! She wants to see me in January for further testing. In addition, she gave me a referral to a dermatologist. I've been breaking out and the cold weather and allergies don't help my skin at all. She also gave me a referral to get a chest x-ray for my hives that I tend to get around my chest area. This worries me a little but she just wants me to do this as a precaution. Knowing what happened to my dad, of course I need to do this!

Almost done with school! As a matter of fact, I need to hurry up and finish my 10 page paper that is due today. All I need to add are recommendations and a conclusion paragraph.

Have a great day!!!!

I don't know what to think

I need to make my journal private for this entry. I also need objective minds!

....deleted the rest in order to put my journal on public again...

Thanksgiving

I want to wish everyone here a good and happy Thanksgiving! I can't believe how fast it caught up with us this year. I'm in a better place then I was last year and I'm actually looking forward to dressing up and going to my aunt's to eat. I'm especially glad my bf will be there with me; otherwise I don't know how I would feel.

There is only about 2 weeks of school left and I've been under lots of pressure. I've had a group presentation that lasted 45 minutes, and have been working on many papers. Grad school is really kicking my bootie! But I must admit I am learning a lot and have been gaining confidence.

On Tuesday, I went to the dentist and it turns out I have a cavity :( I also want to fix a little space I have in my teeth so we shall see what happens with that...

Well I don't really have anything interesting or fun to report about! Until next time...

1 Year

Didn't quite allow myself to think about today, today. To think that a year ago was the worst day of my life does not seem real. Am I allowing myself to feel? I think I am. Don't know what I was expecting but I feel differently. It's scaring me a little but I'm not thinking, I'm not thinking, I'm not thinking.....

Bought a knee-length "puffer" jacket that looks really good on me. Jay and my mom love it :)

*not thinking, not thinking*

I tutored both of my girls today. One was more receptive then the other..owell...

Mom made some delicious food that will be our supper for the next few days. YUM

*thinking* RIP I love you daddy where you are, save a place for me but take your timeeee! Be my angel and guide me through. xoxoxo

Personal

I have always wanted to write a book. Ever since learning to read in the second grade (hey, the only language I knew was Polish until Kindergarten), I've read everything I've picked up and loved it. In the third grade I received a children's Bible for Christmas and read many chapters and verses by the time evening came. During winter recess, I would stock up on books and read the American Girl series, Babysitters Club, and Twin Valley short stories. The rest, I'm afraid, I do not presently recall. My Babci (may she rest in peace) always commented on how I looked like Molly with my thin frame and glasses. Reading has always been my passion.

Since then, every once in a while my mother will tell me how much she would love it if I wrote her biography. In addition, my brother and I always insisted, and would have loved, if my dad wrote his life story. It would be interesting to read about growing up on the East side in the late 40's and 50's, being drafted into the Vietnam War at the age of 21, graduating from the once prestigious Brooklyn Tech high school, and working for AT&T, Bell Atlantic, and Verizon which he did from age 17 until his death. Yup, my father loved his company and was extremely loyal to it until the end. Til this day all I know is Verizon. Of course I would not want to read all the bad parts but I have heard enough of them to remember.

Then I entered college and lo and behold became a Psychology and English major. I did well....and better yet...and succeeded beyond my imagination. I am lucky I have no regrets. My father knew that his money spent was well worth it. Hours before my dad died, I managed to ask him if he thought studying school counseling was a good idea. I don't think he took me as seriously when I brought this up while he was well. By then, I think we both knew that I would need a counselor much more then what I was willing to do with it. There is a part of me that thinks he thought I would never go through with it.

I remember when Jay bought me that beautiful aquamarine ring in Christmas 2005. The next morning was a Saturday and I can remember it vividly. My father was sitting in his chair in the kitchen table eating eggs and bacon I bet. My mom was in the kitchen cooking when I showed her what Jay had gotten me. Before he could see it my dad asked if it was an engagement ring. I was surprised at how calmly he asked me this question,I was only 20! I say this only because lots has changed since then and I am not the same person. Based on this simple accepting expression, I know he approved. If I wrote my book, this event would most likely be added.

I'm thinking that maybe there will come a day when I do decide to write something pertaining to my family. If not, I'm comforted that this journal is as close to noting my experiences as it gets. While I may never really get a chance to write and publish a biography or any novel for that matter, my hope is that these spontaneous jottings  that I am delivering will suffice :)