Since the death of my dad, I've been trying to organize how I feel. In one of the books that I'm reading (or trying to read), I found some excerpts that are close to what I'm experiencing. They are in no way about a death, but expostulate my thoughts nonetheless. Here are some quotes from Nella Larsen's Passing:
"I feel like the oldest person in the world with the longest stretch of life before me."
"Time without him. It was gone, leaving in its place an almost uncontrollable impulse to laugh, to scream, to hurl things about. She wanted, suddenly, to shock people, to hurt them, to make them notice her, to be aware of her suffering."
"A feeling of absolute unimportance followed."
"Alone she was nothing. Worse. An obstacle."
"Desperately she tried to shut out the knowledge from which had risen this turmoil, which she had no power to moderate or still, within her."
"Yet all the while, in spite of her searchings and feeling of frustration, she was aware that, to her, security was the most important and desired thing in life."
"She shook her head, unable to speak, for there was a choking in her throat, and the confusion in her mind was like the beating of wings."