Ahaa

I realized why I feel so bad every single evening. It's because it's at this time that my dad always came home and spent time with my mom and me. Anyone wanna be my buddy and chat with me between the hours of 5-8??

My contemplation for the day

"Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. You have to let go of who you were, to become who you will be." Sex and the City

Although I never watched Sex and the City until it came on TBS (I think) and I hardly watch it now, this quote came up twice in one day and is a sign that it is worthy of my attention.

You see, yesterday evening I was browsing through facebook--a site where college and hs people can chat and catch up on school/personal events. Out of nowhere, this quote from someone's page caught my eye and I pondered over it. Then, a few hours later in the evening, I happened to catch this quote when I watched Sex and the City. What are the chances that I would watch the exact show where this person got her quote from??Needless to say, and since I have more time on my hands since school finished, I thought of what relevance this quote has for me.

In this episode, Carrie decides to let go a part of herself in order to move on in her personal life. After doing some thinking I can determine that there are (so far) two instances in my life that I am sure I have let go in order to find out who I might become next. The first time that this happened was in October of 2004. My grandmother had died 2 months prior and I was feeling extremely low. Although school was going okay, everything else wasn't. I decided to finally take a chance and go out as a way of helping myself. It turned out that on that night I got a chance to meet new friends and develop a new relationship. In a way I let go of my old self to discover these new possibilities.

The second time this happened was again about 2 years ago when I fully got over a bad relationship. I can safely say that it wasn't until I had completely let go that I was able to move on in my present relationship. Also, I got back in touch with one of my best high school friends which is good.

So far, those are the only 2 times where this has become so obvious to me. It's only through retrospection and thought that one can pinpoint these changes taking place. I am also realizing that these moments of self-renewal or whatever one chooses to call them, tend to not fall on holidays or the seasonal calender. Rather, they occur in our own personal calenders and that's why people don't always recognize them. I feel that they happen at the moments we least expect but at the times we most need them to.

So don't worry if you seem stuck at some place or feel that nothing new is going on. Sometimes the most wonderful changes and occurrences happen in the ordinary! :)

Selected Verses from Ben Sira

These passages come from the Old Testment:

Fear not death; we are destined to die. We share it with all who ever lived, with all who ever will be. Bewail the dead, hide not your grief, do not restrain your mourning. But remember that continuing sorrow is worse than death. When the dead are at rest, let their memory rest, and be consoled when the soul departs.

Death is better than a life of pain, and eternal rest than constant sickness.

Seek not to understand what is too difficult for you, search not what is hidden from you. Be not over-occupied with what is beyond you, for you have been shown more than you can understand.

As a drop of water in the sea, as a grain of sand on the shore are man's few days in eternity. The good things in life last for limited days, but a good name endures forever.

Yesterday, my mom and I went to visit my dad. The tombstone is finally up and is beautiful. God does work in mysterious ways. Right after my dad's death, we had found out that my biological grandfather (my father's father), whom I never met, is also buried there. He shares the exact first, middle initial, and last name as my dad. Yesterday, we found his tombstone; it's just a couple of sites from where my dad is.

It's hard to imagine that this still unknown place, will gradually become a site that will become familar to me; where I will probably memorize the path, the shape of the trees, the names on the tombstones. Eventually this site will give me comfort, where there is sorrow. I'm looking forward to springtime where the trees will blossom and the flowers will grow. It is actually a very peaceful place, in the middle of the forest.

So that's how I spent my weekend.

 

Thinking of you

Dear Daddy,

 

If you only knew how much emptiness and sadness you left behind, would you have let us go? Would God still have taken you away from us? I know you tried your best even to the end. On Feb 6, my life changed. On Nov 6, 2006, I hoped that it would stop. When you came home that last day of your work, no one knew it was cancer. No one could imagine how quickly and fast everything would spread. I hoped one day to have a pizza party when you went into remission. It had to happen, you were that strong. You suffered 9 terrible months daddy. It takes this long for a life to be made, but it took this long for it to destroy you.

 

I watched you live, struggle and die. On that weekend, you told me it would be tough. I remember every moment. Standing and watching the coat on the hanger since I couldn’t bear to witness that last breath. Touching your cold hand and still believing a miracle would happen. Not being able to move when they told me you were gone. I will always remember kissing you on your forehead and you asking me why I was being so nice to you that day. At a moment when everyone left the room, and you were napping, I lay my head against your chest and listened to your heartbeat. I didn’t need any words; just knowing you were still there with us was enough for me. I memorized everything. I will always have that with me.

 

This isn’t fair. I wish we had more time. Time to see a baseball game, eat dinner, talk about school, politics, the apartment, everything. Do you know that I still can’t go through your things? I cry every time I pick something up because I feel that I shouldn’t go through your private belongings. You never went through my things and always gave me the privacy I needed, so how can I go through yours?

 

We were a team and I am like you in so many ways—strong willed. I will always be daddy’s little girl. Although I’m scared of bugs and the dark, I feel like I can go through anything after this. I think I will be okay because I know how you did everything for us, and I will never ruin all these plans. I pray that you are in better hands and are at peace. You can do so much more for us now than when you were sick.

 

Not too long ago someone told me that grief is like the ocean. I may be standing in calm water one moment, then a whole clash of waves can come upon me at once. This also reminds me of a passage in Hurston's Their Eyes Were Watching God. Janie tells her friend how she feels since her husband has died. She says that "love is lak de sea. It's uh movin' thing, but still and all, it takes its shape from de shore it meets, and it's different with every shore." She goes on to say that "it's uh known fact, Pheoby, you got tuh go there tuh know there. Yo' papa and yo' mama and nobody else can't tell yuh and show yuh. Two things everybody's got tuh do fuh theyselves. They got tuh go tuh God, and they got tuh find out about livin' fuh theyselves." It's the truth.

 

I see your picture on your desk table every day and I always think about you. So many people love you and you are greatly missed. By taking it a day at a time, I hope that I may learn how to live with this. On days like these, I want to be happy, yet I also want people to know how awful I sometimes feel. Daddy, you are with me and know that I will always try to make you proud because I love you. Rest in Peace forever.

My feelings

Since the death of my dad, I've been trying to organize how I feel. In one of the books that I'm reading (or trying to read), I found some excerpts that are close to what I'm experiencing. They are in no way about a death, but expostulate my thoughts nonetheless. Here are some quotes from Nella Larsen's Passing:

"I feel like the oldest person in the world with the longest stretch of life before me."

"Time without him. It was gone, leaving in its place an almost uncontrollable impulse to laugh, to scream, to hurl things about. She wanted, suddenly, to shock people, to hurt them, to make them notice her, to be aware of her suffering."

"A feeling of absolute unimportance followed."

"Alone she was nothing. Worse. An obstacle."

"Desperately she tried to shut out the knowledge from which had risen this turmoil, which she had no power to moderate or still, within her."

"Yet all the while, in spite of her searchings and feeling of frustration, she was aware that, to her, security was the most important and desired thing in life."

"She shook her head, unable to speak, for there was a choking in her throat, and the confusion in her mind was like the beating of wings."

Sad News

My dear father passed away today after a 9 month fight with lung cancer. He was surrounded by his family and was at home, which was his wish. I am soo sad that I don't know how I'm going to survive the next few days. Please pray for my daddy he was 63 years old and fought this all the way to the end. I was hopeful, but I guess God had other plans. My heart is broken because he was in pain at the end and that this happened so fast.

Please, I hope I can remain strong

PLAGIARISM

Does anyone else agree that it is lame to plagiarize a simple AOL journal entry? Well apparently Sharon does not. I have given you a chance to either apologize or to give me credit for my own writing and you have not; instead, you choose to block me.

Here is my original entry dated September 22, 2006-

Note to self: Don't try to lose the child in me.

Working at an after school program, I quickly realize how often us adults lose sight of the "child" in us. There are moments where I am either too serious, busy, or afraid of the challenges that lay ahead.

Does anyone know a child who holds grudges for a long time??I think not. I admire a child's ability to adapt to environments and learn new things without being intimidated. Children are constantly amazed at finding new things and are always curious...not usually frightened. They are trustworthy and see the good that people do. Most importantly, they are not prejudiced and are able to make decisions without that component that may blindsight that decision.

Yup, children don't know how lucky they are.

Now here is Sharon's entry dated some time in October-

after my visit I had a lot on my mind. (as you can see). Working in home day care,So many different stages, ages, boy, girl ect...  I quickly realize how often us adults lose sight of the "child" in us. There are moments  I am either to serious, busy, or afraid of the challenges that lay ahead. Does anyone know a child who holds grudges for a long time?  I admire a child's ability to adapt to environments and learn new things without being intimidated. Children are constantly amazed at finding new things and are always curious...not usually frightened. They are trustworthy and see the good that people do. Most importantly, they are not prejudiced and are able to make decisions without that component that may blindsight that decision. Children don't know how lucky they are

 

Sharon, its a shame that you have tainted my view of your journal and ability to write. Without any mention of me, what you did was plagiarize and being an English major, that is a very big deal. Instead of doing what is right, you choose to block me and probably delete that entry of yours. This did not have to turn into a big deal; although, I think that you probably never thought I would see this in your journal. This is a real shame and you lost an avid reader.

 

If you plagiarized my entry, who knows who else you did this to. It's only your integrity that's at stake...

 

So readers, beware of This Momma's Drama

 

thank you

 

 

 

Picture

No, not the tears again.

But they came, as I knew they were bound to do.

Looking at old pictures can make one happy or sad...long for that moment or being glad that there's the present. Well today I decided to look inside my coffee table drawer where I came upon pictures of Summer 2005. It was a great summer, probably the best I ever had, looking at it now. My dad, mom, and I went to Germany, Spain and Poland and it was terrific.

There's my dad with a glimpse of a smile that he never shows. It is him and a kitten inside his shirt pocket. 8 months before he would be diagnosed. If I had a scanner I would show you. The contrast is incredible.

Tears flowed before I could stop them, before I could realize that its only a picture.

My dad is back in the hospital having a blood transfusion.

And I only wish he could be that guy in the picture: blissful and ignorant of a pain that can cause so much suffering...

Kids

Note to self: Don't try to lose the child in me.

Working at an after school program, I quickly realize how often us adults lose sight of the "child" in us. There are moments where I am either too serious, busy, or afraid of the challenges that lay ahead.

Does anyone know a child who holds grudges for a long time??I think not. I admire a child's ability to adapt to environments and learn new things without being intimidated. Children are constantly amazed at finding new things and are always curious...not usually frightened. They are trustworthy and see the good that people do. Most importantly, they are not prejudiced and are able to make decisions without that component that may blindsight that decision.

Yup, children don't know how lucky they are.

 

Novels, YEA

If only school was composed of classes- without deadlines, long papers, and needless presentations and homeowrk, then school would be fun! I'm really enjoying my 3 english classes I am taking this semester since I am reading many interesting books. I am also taking 2 Psychology classes, although to be honest, they are not as "enchanting" as the english ones,lol.

Books I've read so far: The Country Wife, Ruth Hall, The Coquette, and the Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin (the last could have definitely been left out!).

Other then that, I have a paper due Monday and online discussions for tomorrow. BUT it'll be Friday :)

Cancer Through a Daughter's Eyes

It's been a little longer then 6 months since my father's diagnosis and the pain is evident everywhere. The truth is I cannot imagine a world without my daddy when all the odds are stacked up against us. I feel the injustice of it all. It was not the lung cancer that prompted an emergency 911 call and ride to the hospital last Feb 6, but the pressure of the tumors on his brain that made him act funny and incomprehensible. Since then, not only has his stage 4 lung cancer gotten more aggressive, but so have my family's fears, cries, and anger.

My dad has always been strong. Never one to take a sick day, he taught me to bear it through, sometimes more then necessary. Now, seeing him wince in pain, trying to ignore it always makes me teary eyed. Then I get angry. How is it that some fathers are healthy, have wonderful children, wives, jobs, etc., and don't ever appreciate, or tell their families how much they love and cherish them? Why do they judge and complain, as if they are never going to get sick. How is it that my dad is always there for us kids and his time is spent in agony. This I will never understand and it will always make me angry.

My dad has lung cancer that has spread causing 3 tumors on his brain, tumors on his right shoulder and arm, his right knee, and now one on his clavicle which is right on the collarbone.

My life is torn in two. There are times when one part of me wants to destroy and ruin me. It wants to deny my ambitions and my relationships and I get to feel okay with that. Then there are days when I feel so very lucky. I've got two great and awesome parents, my own apartment completely paid by my parents, a 3.8 GPA which I am very proud of. I thank God every day that He has given me strength that goes against all odds. The last semester alone was one in which my dad was diagnosed, and my best semester gradewise ever. I can't forget my boyfriend whom it seems is a direct Godsend. Although sometimes I can. There are times when I need so much more than what I know may be his absolute best. Is it fair? Maybe not. But what I wanted in a guy maybe a year ago, is revised. I also absolutely hate that I have met him only two months after my grandmothersdeath.

I have a best friend whom I've grown closer with this summer. I guess people go through different phases and I know she might have went through one where school was the most important thing to her. She, out of all people, knows exactly what to say when need be. And she is honest in that ability. I know that her life is tough as well, maybe that's why I don't get angry or frustrated with her and don't say, "oh she's another one who doesn't understand." We both have huge responsibilites within our families but manage to have a blast whenever we hang out. That common ground keeps us together.

I don't know what my Babcie would have done if she were still alive. Knowing that her son has cancer would cause such hovac that I don't think she would ever have lived through it.

There are moments when I wish I was older-married with kids, employed, and just "set". This way I know my dad would have seen all of these milestones and I would be happy that we had shared them. But what of all these moments? What of my graduation and future? Who will look after me then. Who will look after my mom? My future husband- Jason or not, needs to welcome everyone. And I likewise, need to be welcomed by his entire family. Its funny how the thought had never even crossed my mind before all of this happened but now I cannot stand any other way. Even though I am asking these questions and have these feelings, sometimes they do not feel my own. It feels as though none of these horrible things are happening to me. Then I get the feeling that because it is, I should be compensated with something especially great in my life.

For now, my dad is a trooper, if not for himself but for his family. As the baby of the family, he knows I need him longer. I think back to those early days when I felt, "how am I going to look at my dad during his chemo sessions or when he won't have any hair?" "How am I ever going to get used to saying that my dad is retired and disabled, as he currently is?" No one understands until he or she has lived through it. As daddy's little girl, I know that these are the hardest moments in my life. Seeing the markered X's all throughout his body don't only signify "radiation" marks but life marks that enable my dad to live for another day. I will take these days over any knowing that my dad is safe and breathing in thenext room beside me.

Fill it in

Hi friends, I realize I have not written in a while so here is something to read about me in case you might not know :)

I Am  Joanna. I'm smart and intelligent- double major in Psychology and English. Thisalso means I can analyze you AND pick apart your language in bits, haha

I Want to win the lottery

I Have a dog named Bengie who is overweight and lazy but the best dog in my world :) Oh yes and an apartment!!!!!

I Wish my family lived close to me

I Hate the cold, not sleeping, doing chores

I Fear bugs. yuckk

I Hear music from channel 13-WNET

I Search for the truth!

I Wonder if the Mets will win the World Series

I Regret not joining enough clubs, sports, etc when I was younger

I Love my family, boyfriend, friends, pets, books, and cell phone

I Ache not now thankfully

I Always have time for people

I Usually am very responsible and considerate 

I Am Not who you think I am...

I Dance with my girlfriends :)

I Sing rarely

I Never curse out loud ():)

I Rarely drive, it's a pain in my butt 

I Cry easily

I Forgive if its a proactive apology- meaning there has to be a change. I usually forgive always but forget hardly
I'm Confused about my dads future :(

I Need lots of reassurance since I can never make up my mind,lol

I Should trust myself more

I realize that life is hard but worth living

This and that

The Giant has jumped off me.

Now that I took my GRE (for Grad school), I feel like I can fully enjoy my summer without it nagging me. The office that I took the test in was very strict...I wasn't even allowed to take my sweater off. The man said "once you out it on, it has to stay on!" lol. I didn't mind, I was pretty much comfortable.

I have to point this out.

Another war? C'mon. I mean sometimes I understand it. I think that if someone hurts your son or daughter, you would definitely want to fight back and you wouldn't all of a sudden think "peace." I still don't get exactly wants going on between Israel and the other nations but it seems to have come all of a sudden. I know I might be wrong but I don't know what to think. If we look at the beginning of time, war has been going on forever so I really doubt there will be complete peace one day..

I'm enjoying this rainy, windy weather we have for now- gives a break from the summer heat wave. I just hope it doesn't rain on my Mets game tomorrow night!!

Lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer

I've gotten lazy this summer..so lazy, and I don't know why. I try going outside at least once a day and walk around or something to get excercise. Next week I have a GRE which is an exam for graduate school ~scary face~ and I just know I won't do so hot,lol. Ohwell

My Dad is hanging on although he seems to be confused. That might be his brain tumors playing tricks on him. It also turns out that the cancer had also spread to his knee and he had dual radiation for shoulder and knee for about a week and a half. If results turn out okay from this, then he'll be able to restart the chemo for the lungs.....sigh....it doesn't end but so doesn't our prayers.

Since its summer I hang out with my friends and boyfriend a lot which is always great and a mind booster. Last Sat, my girlfriend Monica and I went to this Polish club and danced with our other friends who met us there. I loveddd itt but my feet hated me afterwards. It doesn't matter, dancing with heels makes me feel sexy :)

My Mets are doing great this year, so a high five to all my fellow Met fans!!!!!

Setback

 "lol what the hell is your problem?"

A simple question that neither I or anyone else has the answer to. It's a question that many people ask me, in many different ways, yet if they knew, would they be satisfied with the answer?

I'm mad and bitter and maybe thats my problem. Finding out this past friday that my dads cancer had spread is my current problem. Seeing friends and family distance themselves from me and my  family is another problem. Knowing that my mother is sick herself, and should see a doctor but isn't is another problem.

Maybe if I had a sibling things might be easier I hear people say. Having a half brother is a bit comforting. Knowing that he's half a country away is not.

One day I will be happy again just like I was happy again after my father was diagnosed. But my hope is low. Way lower then in Feb. I read that people with lung cancer have like a 12.9 or 14.9 "5 year survival rate". That does not even account for tumors (3) on the brain and now, on the arm/shoulder. Even if these people survive, its what, 5 years? I'm so sad

Yet I just know that people think "well its better to have had 20 healthy years with him then not having any at all". Maybe one day this may make me feel better but right now I have a right to be in grief.

Don't get me wrong, I have my faith and hope and pray every single day that things turn out for the best. But it just makes me cry every time I think of a possible future without my daddy. And thats a huge problem indeed.

My 'Millionaire' Audition

Yesterday Jay and I went to our "auditions" at the ABC building to try out for.........Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

After getting there early, we waited on their longg line which was great since my feet were killing me and this gave me a chance to stand still. Thinking I was clever, I wore my tiny heals instead of bigger ones to no avail! I managed to get blisters before the fun even started!

Finally, we were ushered into a large room and were given pencils, scantrons, and large envelopes which contained our "tests." Across from us was a girl who was an "actress" and a guy who went to some prestigious University and was an engineer. Big whoop

So once everyone was inside (and past the metal detectors), we all took out timed 10 minute, 30 question test. Now I don't remember all the questions but it sounded like this:

3. What color are Viagra pills? Are they A. Blue B. White C. Red or D. Yellow? The correct answer is blue and I got it right!! I'm so smart right? Another question was about Kelly Monacco who won the first season of Dancing With the Stars (the one I didn't watch). Which soap was she in? A. All my children B. General Hospital C. Days of our Lives or D. Blah blah blah. How the heck should I know??

As you may presume, Jason or I did not meet the par and failed :( Jay got most of the questions right though so I was shocked they didn't call him back.

After the test, they called all the numbers of the people who passed. Some of the ones who passed were these elderly people. How they knew the word Gwen Stefani spells in one of her songs- b.a.n.a.n.a.s- is wayyyyy beyondd meeee. But. Goodd luck to them anyway.

What matters is that I had fun and understand that if the engineer guy didn't pass, then I don't have much to worry about!! In fact, afterwards Jay and I went to a store (well I sorta limped) and I bought myself flip flops...I had to.

Putting all the failures and blisters aside, we might actually go back next week :)

For laughs

Wanna hear something funny? I have an audition for Who Wants to be a Millionaire on June 21st, hahaha. Maybe it will work out? One never knows...

I had a horrible dream about my dad and I hope it doesn't come true!!!!

Prepping for a GRE test during the summer is not fun!! I have got my book and am practicing the verbal and math hoping that I will get most of the questions right on the date of the exam (July 21st).

So much to say

And this entry can't nearly encompass everything that has happened..good things for the most part. I came back from Cape Cod and Jay and I went to many interesting places- Hyannis Port, Nantucket, Martha's Vineyard, Provincetown, and Plymoth Rock. I took many pictures and it was just an incredible week.

My father is feeling the same; which is to say he is weak and forgetful. He is definitely, and probably wont be, the same man he was before Feb 6. He now has to take shots since his red blood cell count is very low. He is also experiencing insomnia and claims that he hasn't had a good night's sleep in over 3 months. I really do hope that his naps help him some. It's up to the point that I am used to this sad phase and it's hard for me to see how someone may not understand what we are all going through *Sigh*

I dont mean to end on a sad note and my highlight is still the wonderful vacation that i was on.

I almost forgot. We had our closing today and we are now proud owners of a one bedroom coop. Yay! My parents did this as an investment for me one day while we will all share it for now. That is another bit of exciting news!

Hope to write again soon :)

My Vacation

My third year of college is over!! I finished all that I had to and took all of my finals so I should be stress free for a good 3 months :)

Did I mention here that I'm going to Cape Cod for a week from May 20- 27th? I don't think I did, but in any case, that's where I'm heading. I had asked a couple of my friends if they had wanted to go and they said no! Can you believe that. I mean the trip is on me, since we have a time share, so no one would have to pitch in for anything. So it turns out that it will only be Jason and I which I guess is a good thing. We're both very dependable and responsible and should have a good time. My plan is to go to Nantucket, Martha's Vineyard, and Plymouth Rock possibly? I have a few more places that slipped from memory. I'm looking forward to it!

I have a really funny story to tell that happened at work on Monday. I work in an after-school program and on this particular day, I was helping a boy who is in the 5th grade. Now this little guy is really smart and he started to ask me a bunch of questions about college. He asked me what I'm studying, if I'm on the principle's list like he is (lol I told him I'm on the Dean's list which is very similar), what classes I'm taking and he even asked me to explain what "Psychology" is.

So finally after I'm done with all of that the boy asks me what I'm planning on doing with my degree. Well I tell him I might be planning on becoming a school counselor.

You know what his reaction was?

"That's it???? You're going through all of these years of school just for that?? Well 'I' want to become a lawyer, at least they make a lot of money"

lol can you believe this little smart as....

Ah well, I love the kid anyway and don't worry I didn't let him get away with it. After I told him lawyers have a to do a loooott of reading (and the kid hates to read), he quickly changed his mind :)

 

Feelin anxious today

Today I took my first final and it went alright, just a lot of memorization. I'm writing now because I won't for a few days since I have all this studying for finals! I finish my last one on Tuesday and til then it's all work and "some" play :)

I have a communion on Sat, I can't wait! I'm going with Jay and I will take lots of pictures!

Been watching American Idol anyone? Of course, I'm sure most of you are, silly question,lol. My fav's are Katherine and Chris but I can't seem to guess which will be the top two, its so hard this year!

I wanted to make a "The view" entry but there is just not enough time. They will be replacing Meredith Vieira with Rosie O'Donnell and that's sad news! I will continue watching but I wished they could have chosen someone else,lol

That's all for now, wish me luck on my finals everyone! Hugss

About me

Is it summer yet?

For some reason, high school didn't feel this hard. I've just been so stressed....you know how I know this? My glummy feelings. I get enough sleep, its funny that sleep is not the problem but I still walk around tired all the time. Maybe it's all because I have never used my brain as much as I'm doing now. I'm getting all my work done...ahead of time..and it's real good quality :) For this, glummness may be worth it

I have also figured out I need some time for myself. Even at 21, I do everything either for school, family, or friends. I'm thinking pretty soon I'm gonna forget how to have fun! And I'm not talking about going shopping or getiing my nails done which I do anyway, I'm talking about "living" for myself.

For instance, I wanna go out with friends, meet new people, go dancing (which I havent done). Last time my boyfriend and I went dancing, we got into an argument and so i havent gone since but this bothers me. I dont mean to sound like an Ashley Simpson or all those who are always trying to "find themselves." Maybe living for myself can help me relax at the same time..

Very short

12 more days of school! Everyone knows what this means right? Lots and lots of studying and writing before my summer break. I spent my weekend doing my first powerpoint lesson which I'll have to present tomorrow. I'm a bit nervous about it because my professor is being a pain and wants people to ask questions. I do hope it turns out okay. Don't know what else to write so I'll leave it at that :)

I actually should be doing a paper right now...

But I'm writing an entry instead *siiigh*

 Rachel, great comment. Yes I did have a great time with my friends and boyfriend. On April 1, I took them all out to dinner where I spent a lot of money but it's okay, you only turn 21 once right? I was really glad that everyone got along and I love my presents! I really feel like these girls and I will be friends for a long time, past college.

I have been really busy with school and it's only going to get worse this month. With only a couple more weeks to go, everything is due around this time and I just know my weekends are going to suffer. I have a presentation on Tuesday which I'm whacking my head over...I haven't even started it! My topic will be Functionalism (Darwin). This semester my teacher is really strict with these presentations and testing us to the limit. I hope I get it done and am able to put it on powerpoint.

My dad started chemo already and so far so good...He's scheduled for an MRI on the 23rd and that should tell us how effective the radiation was on his brain lesions. Other then that, my dad's experiencing the typical side affects. Scratch that, "everyone" is experiencing his side affects,lol. It seems my family always gets on each others nerves now. OHwell. I try to find Jesus in everyone and this seems to be helping me,lol. Psychology has also been beneficial to the way I act around my dad and family so that is a plus as well!! Hoping I update earlier next time....hugss

 

My Birthday!!!

Happy Birthday to me!!!!!!!

It's my 21st birthday today and I just can't help but smiling. It's been a while since I've been this happy so nothing is taking this smile off my face!!lol

Jay took me out on a wonderful birthday lunch and I had a drink,haha. Not too much is planned today since I'm taking some friends and my boyfriend out on Saturday.

Unfortunately I have to study for a test tomorrow but its open book :) I'm just going to review my notes and familiarize myself with where everything is in my text. But even that won't take this huge grin off my face.....

Huggs

Looking ahead

Some of my friends are already counting down to the last days of school. We finish May 1 this year!!! So early right? Then after that we just have finals but its the last day that counts :)

I had a very exciting day this past Sunday. My family went over to meet my boyfriend's family for the very first time. Ironically, I was not too nervous. What I was nervous about was my dad and how he would act. Fortunately, all went well. I wish we could stay longer but a few hours was all my dad could handle.

Speaking of my dad, we're afraid he's coming down with something since he's cold and has the chills. One of the ladies at work had told me that radiation took a huge toll on her and mentally exhausted her. I hope that this is just a side affect from that.

Also, my dad started to lose some of his hair today. My mom and I keep saying that it should be the least of his problems right now and to keep on looking ahead...

Other than that, school is hectic and I have meetings with advisors this week to discuss my upcoming schedule for school. I can't wait until it starts to get warm again. My neck is sick and tired from being covered by a scarf every day,lol.

My life is like vegetable soup

Each day is filled with various things that make each day unique..

March is just zooming by......or maybe its cause I'm getting older. Resgistration for my *senior* year in college is just around the corner. When did that happen?? I was looking at the list of course options for English and Psych and I'm realizing that I took practically everything. For some selfish reason (on my school's part), I still have to take 28 credits in order to graduate. BUTT there is no such thing as having even classes with 28 credits so I have to take 30. Most of these, (about 98%) will become fluff classes since I took/am taking the ones I need.

And I am also looking to make plans for my 21st birthday on March 29. The restaurant is already picked out and I think I will only invite a few of my closest friends.

Yesterday I handed in the complete application for that scholarship ~~crossing my fingers~~

My Dad is still continuing to experience some bad side affects from his medications. Every night, after taking his sleeping pill and steroids, he becomes incoherent, forgetful, and gets obnoxious at times. A lot of people don't understand the severity of his condition and don't know that someone has to be with him at all times. Every night, I have to put my dad to sleep and make sure he does not fall on his way there. I have to make sure he takes his medication and goes to bed at 10, not later. They don't know that I can't wait until 10 each night cause then I don't have to worry about my dad standing in the dark not realizing that he has to put the light switch on. It's okay though because these are things I can handle. I still rather live here amongst all this chaos then be someplace else just wondering.

As you can see I try to mix all my different thoughts. Thanks again for reading and for your precious comments. For my J-land friends out there: Really sorry for not commenting enough on your interesting entries and I feel neglectful. Rest assured, I do try to read as many as possible!!! :)

Sunny Day

Thanks Dianna for making me this beautiful Irish tag..love it!

Today its gorgeous outside with temperatures in the 60's. A few hours ago my dad and I went for a walk around the neighborhood and I've been watching some TV and doing homework in between. There's this paper I've been working on for the last couple of days and it's on the Wordsworth poem, "Ode: Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood". So I selected a particular section of the poem and had to close analyze it. I just hope my length is good enough- it has to be at least 3 pages long.....not too bad of an assignment which is good news :)

Other than that nothing big has been happening and my Spring Break is soon to be over. I hope everyone is having a great weekend!!! :)

Wow

Wooow With the news of Dana Reeve, I am continuously freaked out. So many people are dying from cancer and specifically lung cancer. This is a woman who didnt even smoke and look what happened to her. I just feel so sad for her young son who had to live through his fathers suffering and death and now his mothers. What kind of a world do we live in where this happens to the best of us?

My mom, dad and I went to the hospital today to meet with his new radiology doctor. He is the first one who was able to console us all the while being honest. He said that its serious and radiation had to be started right away. This is one thing we are happy about and my father is relieved that things started today. So are we all...

Even though I'm on Spring Break, I am just tired and dont feel like doing anything. I think I'll go have a snack and rest and watch some TV. Hugsss

Movie Night

It was a good day today. My mom and I went to Macy's today (the one in the City) and I bought myself 2 blouses and shoes. We were worried since we didnt want to leave my dad alone for too long but we made him have the phone by his bed and called him twice. He said he just wanted us home :)

I couldve gone alone today but there's this sicko killer out there in the NYC area and I felt queesy about going alone. And there was no way my parents would let me go out like that even though if was 2 in the afternoon. I really do hope they find this bastard soon.

So now I am chilling at home and relaxing. I have my evening all set up so that I can watch Pride and Prejudice which I just bought on DVD!!!! I am so excited since I've heard rave reviews and I am currently reading the novel for one of my classes. Sometimes I just love a Saturday night all too myself and do not mind that my boyfriend is having a show tonight!!! lol

I'm laying it down

I think it's funny that I had mentioned Spring Break in my previous entry since Mother Nature decided to give us some snow, ice and slush to start March off! lol It's payback time for January I guess...

So I watched American Idol last night and for some reason I feel like I watched the same people already. There are some good ones though and I like that last guy who sang that rock song. It's a great song. Otherwise, I'm not sure. I tend to get into it when there are like 10 people left and its then that I start voting...Can't wait to see who gets knocked out tonight :)

I have to do my scholarship application soon;;maybe tomorrow?? One of the parts is writing a recommendation for myself as if someone else is writing about me. Who knows? Maybe I'll get some money for senior year, that would work out great considering all the bills that are gonna go for Dad's radiation and chemo. Crossing my fingers but I'm honestly not hyping myself up over anything. If it happens then it happens.

Ever since Feb 6, when this fiasco started happening I've been having crazy moodswings. Overall I feel as if I am being cheated out. Sometimes I feel optimistic about everything but other times I do feel in my heart that this won't work out. The way I see this is that cancer is a death sentence. If chemo/radiation fails, then there is no way someone can survive lung and brain cancer. Like my friend Dana told me one time, whenever something like this strikes you, you feel like its a unique situation no matter how often it strikes other people. I feel consoled though that there are people I can talk to about this, especially at my work. Those two women make my day, every day, easier. Not to mention writing in my journal since I have such great friends here as well!!!!

Now it's getting very cold so I'm going back upstairs and do some more hw. HUGSS

Trying to function in this awful weather

I can't wait til..........Spring Break!!!!........next week. Until then though I have much to do and things are just getting started unfortunately. Yesterday I went to Jason's aunt house and had a good, cozy time. We chilled in their fireplace room and enjoyed the fire, perfect for the freezing temps we are having now. Today I went to school, went to Staples to get some cartridge ink, came home, did some hw, went to work, and I'm home again. On top of it all I have a cold which is making me cough, sneeze, and feel light headed. I can't afford to miss a day of school though and I'm trying to get better. Enough for now I must go and do some research for a Coleridge poem called "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner". Ughh

Expecting company

Just in case anyone was curious, these are some pictures that I had recieved from my cousin at her "prom" I guess you can say. She is the brunette on the left, a lot of people even say we look alike!! She is 2 years younger then me and my favorite cousin!!! Isn't that red dress gorgeous too by the way??

So today my half brother from North Carolina is coming to spend a few days with our dad. After hearing the news, he wants to come and see us. I'm excited as well since I haven't seen him since the last time he came for our grandmother's funeral in 2004. My dad is doing okay and is resting a lot (our orders!!! lol). His spirits were low for a few days so we were worrying and I'm not sure how he's going to take it once the real deal starts-radiation and chemo. We can only pray that it will work out....

Today, my favorite part of the Olympics will be on!!!! Ladies free style skating. The girls from the US are doing great, I'm rooting for Sasha!! It's too bad that it'll interfere with Dancing with the Stars though but thats okay, I'll switch it up :)

 

Dresses

I am envious,lol. My cousin Justina, who lives in Poland is going to be in this pageant (sort of like a Miss America). I am not envious about this at all, she deserves it but when I saw her photos, the first thing that I saw was her dress!!!! It was beautiful! Then I saw her friends and theirr dresses which are also gorgeous. When I asked my aunt (her mom) how much it cost, it turns out that she did not spend that much money. In our currency, it is close to about $60-70 I think. If I wanted to get a dress like that I would have to go to Nordstrom or Saks and pay like $500 for a dress that is common looking.

This got me thinking today and next time I go to Poland, I am getting me some pretty dresses and getting my hair done. Last summer, I had gotten my hair done over there and it was beautiful. And get this....it cost about $30 for a great style hair cut plus hilites. Ladies, you know that if you wanna get hilites or your hair colored, that in itself costs at least $100.

Damn, I am so jealous!! Lol

How much can we handle??

I actually woke up at 10 AM today!! Finally...with school, and everything else in between, I have only been getting about 7 hours of sleep in the last two weeks but this time, I slept! It's a good thing, cause today will be a busy day.

My dad is in the hospital...AGAIN. One day after coming home, he started having dizzy spells and had many other unfortunate side effects :( If he was weak from the chemo, we would understand; but what happened Thursday night, I will never forget. He was going to the bathroom and blacked out cold. Actually, we thought this was it.....I had to go through the rounds again and call the ambulance and this time, the whole crew came by. Luckily my dad was conscious by then, and we really believe that it was a close call and if my mom and aunt didn't know what they were doing, then that would be it.

He's in intensive care and I cannot describe the feeling in that part of the hospital. One patient in that room is on life support and her daughter was there deciding if/when she should take her mom off it. Another man kept on pulling off the tubes that were connected to him and after I went home, my mom told me that he actually went into cardiac arrest and the doctors had to resuscitate him back into life. Glad I wasn't there for that one!!

I'm sorry if I seem so graphic but I am actually holding back things that seem too detailed. Seeing my dad like that breaks my heart but it must break my mom's heart even more. Within the past several years she had lost her best friend to breast cancer and my grandmothers death in 2004 is still vivid for us. It just seems so much you know? But believe it or not I am feeling much better today since I was really pessimistic yesterday. We're seeing him again today and he called us early this morning! Compared to how he was doing yesterday, this is a huge step.

I will probably see Jay later since my cousin has given him a computer design job that he can do at home. And I need to go out. I was planning on doing so yesterday but was feeling too low. Instead Jay surprised me and came over!! He called me on the phone and said, "come out to your front porch I left you something". I said well where are you and he said "I'm in my car, come out before it blows away". When I go out what do I see but Jason standing there :)

It'll be a better day today

 

So tired

Hello friends, I hope everyone had a great and happy Valentines Day. Honestly though, it has been such a tough week for me between school, work and visiting my dad. I wish I had some happy news to share but yesterday he was diagnosed with lung cancer. I am so very tired I was gone all day yesterday from 7:35 AM to 9 PM when I got home. I was at the hospital and we were waiting to speak to the oncologist to tell us the procedure for the cancer.

Its radiation for the brain growths and chemo every three weeks for 6 months. He came home today..which is good news and he's been feeling fine. We are optimistic about it though and with prayers it will all be okay. So many people have cancer and they manage to pull through.

Hugsss

Snowed in

Well not really....my poor mom has been outside (now she's in) for hours trying to shovel and yet it all keeps on coming back. We're having our first real snowstorm and I hate it! Now before anyone starts thinking that I should help out, well I did, and so did my aunt. Now I'm wondering if I'll have school tomorrow and I probably will :( It's annoying since I have a test first thing tomorrow and it would be realllly nice if they decided to close. My worst fear is that I'll wake up at 5 in the morning just to take a bus, subway, and another bus all to find out that my professor couldnt show up and I didn't have to come in!!

My poor father called around 12 while I was studying for this damn test and he was like "no one called, did you forget about me???" lolol. No we didnt dad, we were just busting our tushies so we dont get a flood and to maybe use the car tomorrow. Then he says, "well you know I can sneak out of here for a while and walk over there to help you guys out" lol..I wish :)

So you better get better daddy, we need another person to help us!!! (): )

Innocent joy

Ok so here's one happy thing that happened to me yesterday:

I was at work and I was downstairs this time with the little guys. I usually work upstairs but they needed me so I went down. So I'm sitting there trying to help 3 kids at once and all of a sudden this cute little guy (probably 6 or 7) gets nearer to me and takes a big sniff and goes "wow, how come you smell so nice?", I go "awww thank you, its perfume" so he takes another sniff and inches even closer to me and goes "you really smell sooooo good, you're the nicest smelling girl I have ever met!!!"

:) now what could I say to that???

More Info

My mom, aunt, and I just came back from seeing my dad. The good news is that he is feeling alright and is acting like himself again. The bad news is that they found two growths on the left side of the brain and one growth, or white patch, on his liver. My dad had something like that on his liver about ten years ago which they were able to remove. Well it looks like it came back and might've spread to cause those 2 growths on his brain. A biopsy is scheduled for as soon as possible (for his liver) and he might need radiation for those other 2 things.

The docs said that my dad was really lucky. Most people who experience what he did get paralyzed in some parts of their body. Like I had said previously, it was a good thing that it happened at home when all of us were there.

Oh boy I just wish this wasn't happening but for the most part I am doing fine. As you can imagine it's hard to concentrate for school but I'm doing the best that I can. HUGS

Keep in your thoughts

Hey all, please keep in your thoughts my father. Last evening my dad has some sort of a brain infarction or anniorism (not sure how to spell it). We thought it was a stroke. I had to call 911 and he had to be taken to the hospital..he was totally incoherent and confused.

He is doing much better today and is acting like himself but they found some sort of oddity in his brain and are still trying to figure out what it is..understandably. He has to have a biopsy among a lot of other things...it is really scary but I'm SOO grateful that he was at home when it happened and not somewhere on the road. Since he had a temporary form of amnesia, I hate to think of what could've happened........

I will keep in touch on how he is doing but in the meantime.......please keep him in your thoughts and prayers. HUGS

Coffee at....

Aww.. well I really meant to put up my charm but for some reason it doesn't work. It works when I copy and paste it while I'm writing my entry but once I hit save, it doesnt come out. So I did go out with Jason yesterday and we went to Brooklyn. I showed him where my great-grandmother moved to back in the 1900's which was the place my grandmother and father were born. Neat huh??? 3 generations of my family in that house which still exists!!! Afterwards we looked around the shops over there and I found myself a cute halter top for the summer :) Despite the rain, we managed to walk around a bit and got ourselves some coffee from their abundant coffee shops. It was this weird little place called Verb,lol....made up of students sleeping over notebooks, a woman reading an in depth music book, a guy talking endlessly on his cell phone, and a guy that was going in and out of this mysterious little back door,lol OH well! Until next time!!!

 

Quiet Saturday

Hey, this is what I originally meant to put up...see my very pretty charm Shelly made for me...Thanks Shelly!!!

It's Saturday morning and I'm soo bored. I already did most of my reading and I still feel crummy. For the past few days I've been combating a cold that just seems to linger in one place (not getting better or worse).  My voice is also scratchy....I hate that! It also looks like it's going to rain any second now, yuck!

In other news it looks like I'll be adding two more days of work along with the 2 days that I am already working. One of the girls in my after school program is going to leave for softball tournaments and will disappear for a few months..instead of hiring another person I offered to take on those extra days. I could have started that earlier but I didn't know how my school work-load was going to be. So soon I'll be working from Mon-Thurs which is our schedule anyway. This will give me some extra money I can save for the Cape Cod trip later in May.

I'll probably see Jason today and I do hope I feel better!! I'll have to dress warmly and make sure we don't spend too much time outside. XOXO until next time everyone!

A Good Time

I love my weekends now. I remember times during my first year in college where I felt completely alone. My friends from hs were too busy to hang out or even speak to me on the phone. School was my only social event and though I did meet people and were friendly with them, our friendships never lasted longer then 1 semester. I felt bummed. As you can imagine my weekends stunk even more. I had an off and on relationship (with an ex) and plans were always canceled at the last minute. Even my best friend had her own love relationships and was too busy to see what was up with me.

The only one good benefit from this all? I did great in school. School was the only thing that kept me busy and I drowned in my work. I made the deans list which led to a dinner with all of my fellow honor-roll classmates and President of my University.

I have to say that all the negativity changed in my second year when I met Jay almost a year and a half ago-although my grades continue to stay the same :). Through him I meet all kinds of friends, go to all kinds of places, and learn so many new things! A year and a half later, I am lonely no more and my self confidence is getting higher. I am no longer friends with those people who never had the time for me and because of them I know which way NOT to act.

I learned that I have to put people first and everything else second since I may be the most successful person in the world but if I don't have anyone standing next to me then it won't be worth anything. So I always make time for people, no matter how busy I am during the day. I just wished my friends had done this when I needed them 2 years ago! Ohwell, you live and you learn.

So this past weekend I had the chance to see Jay's band perform at a bar/restaurant called the Blarney Stone in NYC. It is right across the street from Madison Square Garden for those of you that know. They played well! They are a local punk rock band that are in it for the fun. Jason took one sole picture of me which is the one that you see.

As you can see I had a good time...finally :)

Feeling the Present..at the present moment :)

Last semester was filled with a lot of researching and this time my days are filled with reading. I'm in the middle of reading at least 4 books for different classes and this can get confusing. Why did I pick English as a minor again?? Nah I actually usually enjoy it and think that it is better than a lot of other subjects out there. I think that its funny since I forgot simple math rules that I keep bumping into in my after school program yet understand different theory concepts and the significance of empiricism and how that relates to each and every one of us that is interested in truth! Pheww

I try to think that I already know what I want to do with my life and my only quest is to "discover" it. Thinking this way helps me to believe that my aim in this world has already been set forth and I simply need to uncover it with the tools life has given me. There is no use being confused about ones direction because we already are on one! I believe that if we work really hard on whats best for us at the present then that is already one of the tools we need for fulfillment. A very philosophical inquiry is it not?? lol

My 3 semesters of Philosophy has been to some use at least :)

Other than philosophizing about days events, I am counting the days to February. Hopefully the month will come quickly and bring some joy into mine,my family's, and my friends lives. It is always this time of year where things tend to feel crummy. My hope is that February will still contain some of the lightheartedness of January but bring forth hints of spring-like illusions as well- illusions since February is no substitute of the months of spring-yet no one minds when its 65 degrees outside :)

Tag, I'm It

Tagged!! Yes, let me try this

50 things you might not know about me -- erase my answers and put in your own, then repost in your own journal.  Make sure you tag 3 people to join in. Post their links & let them know they've been tagged.... HAVE FUN!!

1. What is your middle name?  I don't have one :(

2. What size is your bed? twin 

3. What are you listening to? "What it takes" by Aerosmith

4. What are the last two digits in your phone number? 41

5.  What was the last thing you ate? chicken noodle soup, a family Sunday tradition

6.  Last person you hugged? my mom

7.  How is the weather right now? mild weather for NY 

8.  Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? Jason!!

9.  The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? their mood

10.  Do you have a bf/gf/spouse/sig other? boyfriend

12.  Do you drink?  sometimes

13.  Ever get so drunk you don't remember the entire night? no

14.  Hair color?  dirty blonde

15.  Eye color? blue/green with a hint of yellow

16.  Fav baseball team? gotta go with my Daddy and say the Mets 

17.  Fav animal? puppy

18.  Favorite season? summer 

19.  Ever cried for no reason? yes, I'm female aren't I?

20.  Last movie you watched? oh boy, The Sand Pebbles with Steve McQueen

29.  What book are you reading? The Iliad by Homer, help me!! lol 

30.  Piercings? 2 in each ear 

31.  Favorite movie? jeez, not an avid movie watcher, but I like the classics and some new ones 

32.  Favorite college team? St. John's Red Storm

33.  What are you doing right now? instant messaging 

34.  Any pets? yes

35.  Dog or cat? dog and bird 

36.  Favorite flower? I'm not picky, lily of the valley and the rose 

37.  Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to? probably 

38.  Have you ever loved someone? yess

39.  Who would you like to see right now? my new baby cousin

40.  Are you stillfriends with your ex's? why would I want to be 

41.  Have you ever fired a gun? no

42.  Do you like to travel by plane? no, but it's the quickest way to travel 

43.  Right or left handed? right 

44.  If you could be with someone right now, who would it be?  Jay

45.  How many pillows do you sleep with? 1 

46.  Are you missing someone? mhmm

47.  Do you have a tattoo? no

48.  Do you watch cartoons on Saturday morning? I used to when I was little, I loved Tweety 

49.  Are you hiding something from someone? no

50.  Do you play an instrument? no

Now who can I tag....I don't have a big list so whomever wants to!!!! :) 

Back on Track

I am back on track and on schedule. School started Wednesday. I had been dreading January 18 throughout my wonderful break but the night before, I actually accepted what was coming,lol. I figure the faster I start, the faster I will finish. Firstly, I was tired of not doing anything and wanted to once again have a schedule. I also wasn't nervous as I was all my previous semesters. It may seem funny but I figured that if I can go through jury duty, be interviewed, and actually sit through a case and decide its outcome, then this was nothing! :)

I'm taking 15 credits and it seems like an easier load then last semester. I hope I don't have to eat my words later since I had just started reading Homer's Iliad. Arrghhh its sorta scary.

But do you know what helps me to relax after my studious hours are over? Watching Dancing with the Stars and American Idol. I love watching all the embarrassing auditions but I must say that after 4 seasons, the 5th is sorta boring. Everything has been done and they should come up with new ideas! But thats my opinion. Dancing with the Stars is more enjoyable to watch since I A)love to dance and B)am intrigued at how those girls can move those legs. I wanna do that...

So that was my week and I'm happy its Friday. Can't wait to go outside again and enjoy our mild weather here in NYC :)

Someone was desperate for change

As I had mentioned in my previous entry, last Friday my friend Monica and I went out dancing. Actually we had invited a lot of our other female friends and not one of them came. One friend in particular said she would "definitely" come and at the last minute said she wasn't able to. Whats up with that? I've never really had much luck with female friends and to this day I only have a select few that I regard as "true" friends. It also seems that having a serious boyfriend, a lot of other people seem to fade out. Although I would never trade my relationship with Jay for anything it seems that there is a trade such that if you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, one tends to lose friends who are single or people that you associated with "just cause". I came to the conclusion that I know now who my true friends are since I met Jay.

So that Friday night after dancing, Jay came to pick us up to go to a nearby bar/restaurant where a ton of people that I havent seen in a while would be. We stayed there a couple of hours and then went home.....now...the next day I was changing things from one of my pocketbooks to the next when I realized my wallet was missing!!! I quickly panicked and realized that someone had probably stolen it the night before. I was going to hang out with Jay so he quickly came and we rushed back to the place hoping someone had found it and nothing was taken (wallet included everything from my school ID, credit card, some cash, etc etc...everything!!)

Luckily they had my wallet but all the cash and change(who would take change?!!!!) was gone! Being the sensitive me I had broken down and couldnt calm down for a long while. I felt stupid that I had left my purse near our jackets at the table and that the incident had probably happened then. THANKFULLY, everything else was still there but I'm never leaving my purse again. I just hope that I can go back to the place without feeling angry and violated.

And it was Friday the 13th..

Dancing

Jury duty was a blast. In total I spent 3 days in court and give me the chance again and I would love it! Although we reached a decision and that was not to give any liability, I felt bad that I couldn't go back the next day,lol. It was a wonderful experience for me though.

Jay's birthday is on Sunday and I need to buy something cute to wear :) Today however, I think its gonna be a girls night out with with best friend Monica and our friend Jess. I think we're gonna go back to our club from New Year's Eve since that was a pretty place. And if you go before 10:30 PM< you get free admission :) I might go get a manicure too so that way I will look nice both today and on Jay's birthday.

All rise

Hello everyone, I am still enjoying my vacation from school. Today, finally, was a little bump into reality where I got to be a grownup and go to my first ever jury duty. After waking up early they called me to a panel by 11am. Afterwards, a group of about 20 of us packed into a tiny room where the defendant and plaintiff were there. First a random 6 people were interviewed whereas only 3 were chosen to be on the case. Then they needed 3 more jurors and 2 alternates.

This is only a civil case so there are only 6 jurors plus alternates. Then, I was chosen as the 5th juror!!! I have to go to court tomorrow and hopefully the case will start. I was told that this personal injury case will only last at the most of about 4 days. Plenty of time for me to enjoy the last days of vacation and sleep in!!! I'm excited about tomorrow!!!

Clink Clink

Happy New Years!

A toast to health, happiness, and prosperity *clink clink*

For me New Years Eve was filled with "all" different emotions. I was excited, nervous and happy. There were also moments that I wanted to hurt both my boyfriend and best friend ():)

When we got to the club, everything was great. Then...Jason wanted me to dance with him and I didn't want to at first cause there were only like 2 people on the dance floor and I'm the kind of person who needs to warm up at the beginning. Nevertheless, Jay got reallllllyyyy upset that I didn't want to dance with him,lol (we never did prior to that moment). Finally Monica pulled me to the dance floor and I slowly got into it. When I turned around, Jason wasn't there!!!! After dancing for a while I finally decided to look for him since buying the beer or using the bathroom doesnt take that long!!!!

So now I'm super upset because I cannot believe that he would leave over something like that. We go to coat check and finally go back to his car where he actually is. After apologizing for not wanting to dance with him, I cajole him back to the club where things are great for about an hour. We had our midnight kiss and I was thankful that for that moment at midnight things were okay.

Then, like many girls experience, my feet started to hurt. I wanted to sit down but Jay got upset that I didn't want to dance with him some more,lol. Boysss (sighh). So I sat by myself while he stood several feet away from me. He refused to sit next to me,lol. Eventually we left...

So I had both a great and awful night. I think the pressure to have fun just killed it. But by looking at the photos, you can tell that I did have some fun moments(and it was before the drama took place btw). And I never danced with Jay, so it was sorta awkward. But we need to go again because it was such an awesome club. And we need the practice. Next time will be much better, I hope.

Ironically the next day, New Years Day, we had a great time! Jay came over for dinner and then I went to his house for dessert. New Years Day was muccchhh better then the night before,lol. I dunno why that happens, but you know I'm still young and on the dance floor, I just feel more free lol Sometimes you wanna dance with your girlfriend, you know? And when I dance I don't like talking, especially having to answer questions of why I don't wanna dance. It's supposed to be a carefree time. Owelll, that night is over now :)

Until next time..