Looking Back

Next Tuesday will be the one year anniversary of my father's death and I've been contemplating this entire year. It makes me sad and anxious that this had to happen and I still do not understand. I had a hard time going to sleep last night since I was envisioning the night he died and the gasps of air he had to take in the end. I know I should not think like this but I can't help it. Maybe its the summation of the week I had that is causing me to feel this way. Let me go back to last week..

A week ago I found out that the mother of a grammar school classmate of mine had died from lung cancer at the age of 47. I went to the wake and the funeral the day afterwards but I mourned for my father as well. It has been the first funeral since my dad's and I relived the moment. I felt for my friend especially since the one year mark is looming ahead.

Yesterday my best friend called me to tell me her own grandmother had succumbed to lung cancer. Once again, I felt shock and sadness and kept talking to her since she was alone in the hospital next to her grandma's body. About two weeks ago, I had gone over to visit her on her name day and she was really appreciative of me being there. I felt like she was my grandmother.

I just finished looking over the condolences and cards we had received and I miss my father. I'm afraid that I will forget things that I remember from a year or more ago. Will the details fade? Will I forget his facial expressions or the humor that he had? I even went back to my archives on this journal and there are so many things I had forgotten that occurred. I know that my father wasn't perfect but it is still a loss. I will probably write more in the days to come...

I almost forgot.... Happy Halloween my friends!!! Trick or Treat!

anniversary

So yesterday was jason's and my three year anniversary. we went to a lovely italian restaurant and we pretty much had the restaurant to ourselves. since it was pretty much early in the evening there were only about 3 other couples in there. we lucked out since we had 2 waiters and they kept on refilling our waters constantly! we were afraid to sip! we both ordered penne a la vodka and i had a salad as an appetizer and jay had clams. they had old love songs playing, it was perfect!

we both got each other little presents and i was very happy. afterwards, we went back to the apartment and watched "the graduate." i had no idea it was that old but it was pretty good. we had red wine and cupcakes. it was a fabulous night. we deserved it, don't you think? :)

Why are some people stronger than others?

 I tried to cry last night but the tears wouldn't flow. I'm afraid I'm all cried out for a while. When I heard that my fellow blogger had died, I felt so sad. All the memories started to come back to me as they inevitably do.  I sometimes think why bad things don't happen to other people. I am not being malicious, I'm just genuinely curious as to why some get happiness more easily than others.

I look at my mother and I wish I was like her. Even though she lost her husband and her mother is now sick with cancer, she has this aura and strength that I wish more people knew about.  Little things such as me buying boots for my dog makes her happy. There is certainly pain there and I sometimes think whether her happiness is not just a disguise. My mom is very religious and believes things turn out the way they are supposed to. But believing this is one thing, being this strong is another.

One thing my mother has taught me is to take care of my relationships. Last week my mother compared relationships to plants saying that plants will die without water in the same way our relationships with people will die if there is no care.

My mom doesn't need to tell people how tough she is, she just is. If there is anyone I wish happiness and relaxation for, it is for my mom. She is the only person I see every single day and loves me unconditionally. Maybe one day I'll know why others seem to have more happiness in their lives but I know this one thing: if I can't have an abundance of happiness, at least I have strength that is a more meaningful quality and will sustain me, ha!