Superstitions

I found this neat website about New Year's Traditions and Superstitions. I also really like this font color; I think I might use it more often :)
New Year Superstitions Drinking and kissing your spouse or life partner at the stroke of midnight is a very popular New Year superstition. Most superstitions, traditions and customs related to beginning of a year stems from the belief that whatever you do on the first day of the year will set the pattern for the whole coming year. Other superstitions are to ward off evil spirits and invite Lady Luck in our house. January 1st is supposed to be the most important day of the year as everything we do on this day is supposed to become a part of our life for the next 364 days. Some popular New Year superstitions are:

• Avoid breaking things, crying and wailing on the first day of the year, if you don't want to continue the pattern for the entire year.
• Babies born on 1st January is said to be the luckiest of all throughout their lives.
• Do not let money, jewelry, precious items or other invaluable things leave your home on New Year Day. Do not pay loans and bills or lend things to anybody, if you do not want to show just-entered fortune the way to leave during the year. People go to the extent of not taking out garbage or even not dusting their carpets on this day to ensure that nothing goes out of home during the year.
• Dress well throughout the year by wearing new clothes on January 1.
• Evil One and his attendants and servants hate din and loud noise. So, scare them away by being as loud in New Year celebrations as possible. Church bells are rung at midnight for the purpose too.
• Full larders, cupboards stocked up with food and wallets and purses full of money bring prosperity in New Year.
• If you have to deliver presents on New Year morning, leave them in the car since New Year Eve on December 31st.
• If you must take something out from the home, let someone come with the present inside the home first.
• Never leave the home before someone comes in first. First footer in the house should be ushered in with a warm welcome and should not have flat feet, cross-eyes or eyebrows stretching out to meet in the middle.
• Pay your bills and loans before New Year Eve, so you don't have any debt left for New Year.
• People do not wash hair on New Year and wear festive red clothing for happiness all the year round.
• The direction of wind during sunrise on New Year morning prophesizes about the coming year. Wind from south foretells fine weather and prosperous times ahead, wind from north foretells bad weather, wind from east foretells famine and natural calamities and wind from west foretells plenty of milk and fish for all but death of a person of great national importance. No wind means joy and prosperity throughout the year.
• Token amount of work on first day of the year means advancements in career but starting out a serious work project is unlucky on New Year Day.
• Washing dishes and doing laundry on this day is said to lead to a death in the family during the year.

http://www.indobase.com/holidays/new-year/new-year-superstitions.html

Merry Christmas!

Merry  Christmas everyone! No matter all the struggles of this year, we really have no other choice but to look ahead and trust God and what he has planned for us. Maybe there are doors we want opened but we aren't ready to look inside them yet. We can only pray and surround ourselves with those we love and cherish. With this thought in mind, I wish all of my readers a happy and healthy Christmas and New Year!



Thank you Shelly for these beautiful graphics!

aoljurlAdd, aoljurlAdd_2

More venting

I'm feeling stressed out today. It started in the morning when I tried calling my doctor to get the results of my x-ray. After speaking with several people, I finally left a message with the secretary. That was 9 hours ago and she hadn't called me back and I doubt she will call me tomorrow. I guess I need to try again tomorrow morning.

My mom and I are paying more then we should for our health insurance. Before my father's one year anniversary of his death, both of us were covered under his medical and now that is no longer the case. So my mom is looking for another job to handle this extra weight *sigh*

It seems that I write whenever things are wrong or have gone awry. Writing is, and has always been, very therapeutic for me. I was looking through my old journals and the entries I have created since I was young. I actually haven't updated my "paper" journal for over a year and I did yesterday. I love how I have these things to look back on and it's interesting to see how much I have grown

Rants

I'm finally finished with school and it wasn't without any hard struggles in this past week. It started with one of my professors who exempted me from her paper final only to give me an A- for her class. After emailing her about this, she explained that the "-" was for not participating and speaking up in class. I can remember volunteering to be her "class dummy" in which I was the counselor and she was the bratty eighth-grader. I participated at least one in every class and this wasn't enough for her. Just because I'm not as loud as some other more experienced students in my class, she thinks this is the kind of person I am. She says that I will have to speak up and break up fights and arguments when I am in school. Duh! I work in an after school program, I know all about this. I hate how she thinks she can pigeonhole me as a certain person but she does not know me.

I hope that I can one day find a great boss because this boss I am working for now is no good. I've been there around 5 years and she still treats me like I'm a teenager, not someone who is getting her Master's degree. The other day, she told me harshly, "Joanna, NO ONE is allowed to go outside, OKAY??" I said "Sure, why, is there someone outside right now?" and she tells me with her hands up in the air, "THIS IS A STATEMENT, I said NO ONE is allowed to go out!" She was referring to the bad weather we were having on the East Coast a couple of days ago. Geez, mind you, this was in front of all the students and several adults who were in the room. How dare she speak to me and humiliate me like that. God forbid I ask a question. I think she expects me to be a robot and nod my head yes Ms. Eileen. This job is so convenient though and gives me flexible hours and I would hate to leave it. If only my professor had seen me, haha.

It's funny how does two people can preoccupy my mind these past few days. Now that I got it out of my system, I can put on Christmas songs, wrap presents, and try having some fun! :)

Taking it Slow(er)

I don't think I mentioned that I went to see an allergist last week. For years I've been sneezing and feeling allergic to things in my house. Well after the allergist tested me, I discovered that I'm allergic to dogs (I have a dog ), dust and roaches! She wants to see me in January for further testing. In addition, she gave me a referral to a dermatologist. I've been breaking out and the cold weather and allergies don't help my skin at all. She also gave me a referral to get a chest x-ray for my hives that I tend to get around my chest area. This worries me a little but she just wants me to do this as a precaution. Knowing what happened to my dad, of course I need to do this!

Almost done with school! As a matter of fact, I need to hurry up and finish my 10 page paper that is due today. All I need to add are recommendations and a conclusion paragraph.

Have a great day!!!!

I don't know what to think

I need to make my journal private for this entry. I also need objective minds!

....deleted the rest in order to put my journal on public again...

Thanksgiving

I want to wish everyone here a good and happy Thanksgiving! I can't believe how fast it caught up with us this year. I'm in a better place then I was last year and I'm actually looking forward to dressing up and going to my aunt's to eat. I'm especially glad my bf will be there with me; otherwise I don't know how I would feel.

There is only about 2 weeks of school left and I've been under lots of pressure. I've had a group presentation that lasted 45 minutes, and have been working on many papers. Grad school is really kicking my bootie! But I must admit I am learning a lot and have been gaining confidence.

On Tuesday, I went to the dentist and it turns out I have a cavity :( I also want to fix a little space I have in my teeth so we shall see what happens with that...

Well I don't really have anything interesting or fun to report about! Until next time...

1 Year

Didn't quite allow myself to think about today, today. To think that a year ago was the worst day of my life does not seem real. Am I allowing myself to feel? I think I am. Don't know what I was expecting but I feel differently. It's scaring me a little but I'm not thinking, I'm not thinking, I'm not thinking.....

Bought a knee-length "puffer" jacket that looks really good on me. Jay and my mom love it :)

*not thinking, not thinking*

I tutored both of my girls today. One was more receptive then the other..owell...

Mom made some delicious food that will be our supper for the next few days. YUM

*thinking* RIP I love you daddy where you are, save a place for me but take your timeeee! Be my angel and guide me through. xoxoxo

Personal

I have always wanted to write a book. Ever since learning to read in the second grade (hey, the only language I knew was Polish until Kindergarten), I've read everything I've picked up and loved it. In the third grade I received a children's Bible for Christmas and read many chapters and verses by the time evening came. During winter recess, I would stock up on books and read the American Girl series, Babysitters Club, and Twin Valley short stories. The rest, I'm afraid, I do not presently recall. My Babci (may she rest in peace) always commented on how I looked like Molly with my thin frame and glasses. Reading has always been my passion.

Since then, every once in a while my mother will tell me how much she would love it if I wrote her biography. In addition, my brother and I always insisted, and would have loved, if my dad wrote his life story. It would be interesting to read about growing up on the East side in the late 40's and 50's, being drafted into the Vietnam War at the age of 21, graduating from the once prestigious Brooklyn Tech high school, and working for AT&T, Bell Atlantic, and Verizon which he did from age 17 until his death. Yup, my father loved his company and was extremely loyal to it until the end. Til this day all I know is Verizon. Of course I would not want to read all the bad parts but I have heard enough of them to remember.

Then I entered college and lo and behold became a Psychology and English major. I did well....and better yet...and succeeded beyond my imagination. I am lucky I have no regrets. My father knew that his money spent was well worth it. Hours before my dad died, I managed to ask him if he thought studying school counseling was a good idea. I don't think he took me as seriously when I brought this up while he was well. By then, I think we both knew that I would need a counselor much more then what I was willing to do with it. There is a part of me that thinks he thought I would never go through with it.

I remember when Jay bought me that beautiful aquamarine ring in Christmas 2005. The next morning was a Saturday and I can remember it vividly. My father was sitting in his chair in the kitchen table eating eggs and bacon I bet. My mom was in the kitchen cooking when I showed her what Jay had gotten me. Before he could see it my dad asked if it was an engagement ring. I was surprised at how calmly he asked me this question,I was only 20! I say this only because lots has changed since then and I am not the same person. Based on this simple accepting expression, I know he approved. If I wrote my book, this event would most likely be added.

I'm thinking that maybe there will come a day when I do decide to write something pertaining to my family. If not, I'm comforted that this journal is as close to noting my experiences as it gets. While I may never really get a chance to write and publish a biography or any novel for that matter, my hope is that these spontaneous jottings  that I am delivering will suffice :)

Looking Back

Next Tuesday will be the one year anniversary of my father's death and I've been contemplating this entire year. It makes me sad and anxious that this had to happen and I still do not understand. I had a hard time going to sleep last night since I was envisioning the night he died and the gasps of air he had to take in the end. I know I should not think like this but I can't help it. Maybe its the summation of the week I had that is causing me to feel this way. Let me go back to last week..

A week ago I found out that the mother of a grammar school classmate of mine had died from lung cancer at the age of 47. I went to the wake and the funeral the day afterwards but I mourned for my father as well. It has been the first funeral since my dad's and I relived the moment. I felt for my friend especially since the one year mark is looming ahead.

Yesterday my best friend called me to tell me her own grandmother had succumbed to lung cancer. Once again, I felt shock and sadness and kept talking to her since she was alone in the hospital next to her grandma's body. About two weeks ago, I had gone over to visit her on her name day and she was really appreciative of me being there. I felt like she was my grandmother.

I just finished looking over the condolences and cards we had received and I miss my father. I'm afraid that I will forget things that I remember from a year or more ago. Will the details fade? Will I forget his facial expressions or the humor that he had? I even went back to my archives on this journal and there are so many things I had forgotten that occurred. I know that my father wasn't perfect but it is still a loss. I will probably write more in the days to come...

I almost forgot.... Happy Halloween my friends!!! Trick or Treat!

anniversary

So yesterday was jason's and my three year anniversary. we went to a lovely italian restaurant and we pretty much had the restaurant to ourselves. since it was pretty much early in the evening there were only about 3 other couples in there. we lucked out since we had 2 waiters and they kept on refilling our waters constantly! we were afraid to sip! we both ordered penne a la vodka and i had a salad as an appetizer and jay had clams. they had old love songs playing, it was perfect!

we both got each other little presents and i was very happy. afterwards, we went back to the apartment and watched "the graduate." i had no idea it was that old but it was pretty good. we had red wine and cupcakes. it was a fabulous night. we deserved it, don't you think? :)

Why are some people stronger than others?

 I tried to cry last night but the tears wouldn't flow. I'm afraid I'm all cried out for a while. When I heard that my fellow blogger had died, I felt so sad. All the memories started to come back to me as they inevitably do.  I sometimes think why bad things don't happen to other people. I am not being malicious, I'm just genuinely curious as to why some get happiness more easily than others.

I look at my mother and I wish I was like her. Even though she lost her husband and her mother is now sick with cancer, she has this aura and strength that I wish more people knew about.  Little things such as me buying boots for my dog makes her happy. There is certainly pain there and I sometimes think whether her happiness is not just a disguise. My mom is very religious and believes things turn out the way they are supposed to. But believing this is one thing, being this strong is another.

One thing my mother has taught me is to take care of my relationships. Last week my mother compared relationships to plants saying that plants will die without water in the same way our relationships with people will die if there is no care.

My mom doesn't need to tell people how tough she is, she just is. If there is anyone I wish happiness and relaxation for, it is for my mom. She is the only person I see every single day and loves me unconditionally. Maybe one day I'll know why others seem to have more happiness in their lives but I know this one thing: if I can't have an abundance of happiness, at least I have strength that is a more meaningful quality and will sustain me, ha!

Everyone feels socially isolated sometimes

I'm learning plenty in my multicultural grad class. Social isolation applies to everyone and does not depend on race and gender alone.

With regard to race and identity, Dr. Beverly Daniel Tatum writes, "in adolescence or  in adulthood, the ability to see oneself as part of a larger group from which one can draw support is an important coping strategy. Individuals who do not have such a strategy available to them because they do not experience a shared identity with at least some subset of their racial group are at risk for considerable social isolation."

Even though I am not Black, I believe anyone can fit into this description. Since my father's death, I have been in a conflict over how much I should confide in others when I'm feeling depressed. No matter what I do, I'm left thinking that they are not me and do not understand. If I say too much, I feel I am burdening them with my emotions. If I don't say enough, it is not healthy for me and it leaves my friends thinking I am distancing myself. I know in my heart what I should do and that is to talk incessantly. But when does a friend turn into a therapist?

I am left feeling vulnerable and socially isolated. Right now, my right is to disclose my feelings and let them flow. Maybe the path to feeling connected isn't sharing exact experiences but being empathic and having unconditional positive regard. My reward is yet to come.
 

Another anniversary

On this 9/11, I feel more solemn then before. I think its because I associate that day with my father. I remember him picking me up, explaining this me, and telling me his stories of work that day not too far from ground zero. I admit I cried this morning and just can't shake this feeling. He was alive, vital, and my hero that day. Since I was one of the last to be picked up, I remember feeling scared that something had also happened to my parents. When I saw him downstairs, I was so grateful that he was alive. Below is the entry I wrote in 2005.

I will never forget...

 

September 11, 2001 changed my life in ways that I still cannot grasp even 4 years later. The thought of all those people that were MURDERED all before their time is just plain awful. I think that a piece of all New Yorkers' hearts broke a little that day. I don't mean to bring all the painful memories of that day back again. This is just my story of what I will remember of that fateful day.

I was a junior in High School and it was the middle of Bio class. Throughout the class we kept on hearing different names called to go down to the office. My friend Maggie was sitting next to me when we hear the first of many announcements. I will paraphrase; "I have some really sad news to tell you today. There has been a horrible plane accident in lower Manhattan". YEs that principal of mine called it a "plane accident"!! "I would like everyone to not worry and to finish this class. Afterwards everyone may proceed to return to their homerooms. If I find anything else out I will let everyone know promptly. Please do not panic or come downstairs. Thank you." Can you believe that? The World Trade Center had collapsed and she continued to call it a plane accident!! Needless to say people panicked.

I did not have a cell phone so I was not able to call anyone. I knew that both of my parents worked in lower Manhattan..I was scared to death. It was not until about 2 PM that my father finally picked me up. What he had to say was horrible. He worked about 3 blocks away from the WTC and he saw everything: the 2nd plane hitting the tower, people jumping from the windows..I couldn't believe it..my City, destroyed.

Luckily no one in my family worked there and died. I did have a boyfriend though whose mother perished...that was horrible. I remember crying for days. I was grateful that I had the chance to visit the towers a couple years earlier and go on the roof and see the amazing view of the entire city. Today I cherish those memories. Nothing they will ever build will ever be enough for me. I want my towers back, not some damn old building thats "safe"!!!

I hate the people who did this. They deserve to be punished. To kill so many inncoent lives just because they hate America, that is pure evil. This is why I will always support out troops in whatever they do. I will never forget and I will always stand by America..<3 God bless the USA!!

quick update to a busy life

Haven't updated in a while. I guess I'm more interested in reading about others then writing about my life. Ironically, these past few weeks have been rather busy and exciting and would be the most interesting to display around here.

Over labor day, Jay and I went to NC to visit my brother, his wife, and their 2 young girls. It made me so happy to see them and I only hope that I will be as close to a good parent and they are! The girls are well mannered and look out for each other (for example, after every table meal, they would ask permission to be excused). Meg and Ally are smart girls and I am very proud of them :)

I started grad school. Only news I can report this early on is that I am going to counsel someone for 8 weeks, once a week. These will be taped sessions and given to my professor and assistant counselor that I will be assigned to soon. Also, I am also going to go to a school and assess/evaluate a student "at risk." Thinking i better not screw this up....

Emotional front- I am doing much better these days. Life has its ups and downs that no one can run away from. I'm working on peace

Physical front- I'm incredibly tan and my hair is growing long. I'm wondering if I should get hilites or not.

Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.
Pete Seeger

Tough Week

It's only Tuesday and it's a tough week already. Yesterday I found out that my friend from college (21 yrs) was in the hospital after getting severe cramps in her abdomen. Doctors had discovered that she had had a cyst on her ovary which ruptured. She is fine now thank God.

Today I found out that a classmate from my high school in my year had died on Friday. I do not know how or why and am curious.

Since my father's death, I ache to feel connected and be emotionally secure. I question what people say to me and feel that after being with me, they will go back to their happy and better lives without me. My life still feels toppled over like a game of jenga.  I wonder how and when I will feel secure?

no editing (alright a little)

I am awesome, sweet, sensitive, sad, Disappointed, hopeful,loving, in love, anxious, nervous, reminiscing, thinking, analyzing, sexy, quiet, interesting, strong, blunt, confident, smart, silly, cute, angry, appreciative, wondering, pissed, important, careful, adventurous, thin, mourning, lucky, vicious, beautiful.

I can cry, laugh, giggle, smile, illustrate, lie, give, heal, hug, expect, pray, create, look, threaten, acknowledge, destroy, dance, communicate, embrace, stop, kiss, play, write, snap, bake, listen, yell, buy, plan, live.

and its perfectly normal

Home

I didn't want to come back home, back to the foundation of so much sadness. In Florida, Jay and I hit many of the major theme parks but my trip was more cathartic for me. When I came home, home seemed to be a better and more easier place to live. I can say that I'm happier now then I have been. Still, I can't manage to make out my thoughts into sentences.

when i am old and can't get out of bed
i will think about my life instead.
where it has led me, where i have been
all of the places that result in this grin.

i will think about the first love, second love, who knows if there will be a third?
hoping that after all these years they realize the love i have bestowed.

rude bosses, misgivings, mommy 'im afraid of the dark'
i will take these things with
goodnight kisses, sleeping babies, and sweet strolls in the park

simple life as this simple poem goes
i hope that by then i will still have ten working hands and toes!

Orlando, Florida

This Saturday (6/9-6/16) I'm going to Orlando Florida for a week! My bf and I are flying there after reconsidering the drive. I'm planning on going to MGM, Universal Studios, Magic Kingdom maybe, and even a water park if I'm feeling better from this cold. Some other locations are on my list as well.

Will update when I'm back :)

S U M M E R  S U R V E Y

Pool OR Jacuzzi : pool
Ocean OR Pool : ocean
Ice cream OR popsicles : ice cream
Lemonade OR iced tea: iced tea
Tennis shoes OR flip flops: Flip Flops
Fans OR Air conditioning : fans
Sprinklers OR slip n slide : Sprinklers
Water Balloon fight OR Water gun fight : Water gun

Y O U R  F A V O R I T E  S U M M E R . . .

Drink :  Pina Colada, fruity drinks
Food :  barbecue
Song :  summer in the city by the lovin spoonfuls, summer of '69, kokomo, boys of summer (can't just pick one)
Hang out : apartment
Camp:  not a big fan
Holiday : 4th of july
Vacation: Anyplace warm

L A S T  S U M M E R :

Where did you go :  Cape Cod
Who did you hang with? boyfriend
Did you do anything illegal :  No
Did you go to a concert? No
What was your best memory : Nantucket

 

T H I S  S U M M E R :

Where are you going : Orlando!!!
Name five things you're most looking forward to this summer :

1.     Going on vacation
2.     hanging out with boyfriend/friends
3.     trips at summer camp
4.     going to the beach
5.     having a great tan before school starts again

Your Silence

Your silence resounds as
indifference
hatred
and lack of care
when you say no words can describe what i mean

your silence creates friction
since it represents what is in your heart

don't say i don't understand
say how can i understand

your silence shows me that you are comfortable with the way things are instead of extra work that can make things better

your silence creates a boundary
that i am beginning to accept
as more and more agree
that it is better to say nothing than something at all

your silence is becoming your voice
while i am screaming at you on the inside

Day After Graduation!

It took four whole years and two especially difficult ones but I made it! It was an interesting day that began on Sat May 12 when my mom, boyfriend and I went to the mass at my campus. Luckily, we got there pretty early and found 3 seats together. They had finished building the church like only 3 years ago so it's modern with nice waterfalls, mosaics, and beautiful Marian imagery throughout the interior. I got teary eyed when during the intentions, we prayed for all those family members who can't be here for the graduates. Afterwards, we had a buffet style dinner which took too long in my opinion.

The next day, my mom, Jay, cousin, and aunt were the guests at my graduation. They had said prior to this that they were expecting over 10,000 people but today the number was more than 19,000! The reason for this is because for the first time in years, they had a general ceremony for everybody. Our guest speaker was George Stephanopolous which was verrry exciting. He was a great speaker. Everyone's name was called and we each had an opportunity to walk on stage, shake the president of the university's hand, and take a picture. As you can imagine, it took a long time but luckily my college, the College of Liberal Arts and Sciences went first. I am a cum laude which doubled my enthusiasm. Although, I was two itty bitty points away from being magna cum laude. That's a bit disappointing because if I had known, I wouldn't have worked so hard! lol

The dinner was interesting to say the least. Our space in the restaurant was taken even though we booked it at least two months in advance. The appetizers were late (they came during dinner), the food was burned, and the service was poor. I'm grateful that my godfather and his wife are so outspoken because they complained loudly and we didn't have to pay expect for the deposit that was paid prior to last night. Everyone did have a good laugh though.

In loyal St. John's colors, I'm writing in red and am adding some pictures from the two days. I know this day was the best Mother's Day present I can ever give my mom. Now all I have to do is wait for my BA diploma in the mail. :)

To hive or not to hive

So much has happened these past few weeks. Considering how I tend to break out in hives, I'm very surprised that I've managed to return to my natural complexion by now.

First things first: my St. John's Grad School Interview. First of all, there were only about 11 of us and it was extremely competitive. When it was my turn to speak, I think I stuttered some of my words like ththth that. Whatever, if I get in I get in, right? I think I turned a lovely shade of red but have mastered the art of wearing shirts that cover me up nicely during these occasions :)

My second grad school interview at Queens College turned out much better (I think). I was more prepared and stood out. I had mentioned my experience with cancer patients and people affected by cancer as well as being bilingual. The interviewers/school counselors seemed more easy going. I have a better feeling about this one...

Hmm what else. Oh yes. I've decided to apply to another school and am in the midst of that as well.

I hope I get in somewhere and honestly pray that this is the job for me. Grad school seems hard and I hope this pays off. I'm just busy waiting waiting waiting.

I'm betting on God

For Easter this season, I thought I would go back to my old school notes and share what convinced that it's worth believing in God. It may be hard to comprehend, but it's interesting :)

This is taken from my metaphysics philosophy notes:

Pascal's Wager
3 stances toward a statement

1.  belief- argument, affirmation--> theist
2. disbelief- denial, rejection--> atheist
3. nonbelief- no commitment, without judgment--> agnostic

Pascal was a theist. He had some advice for his agnostic friends. If one makes a sincere effort, then one will see that God exists. If you are still in denial, then you must take a risk. You have to set out time.

betting on God
~living as if God exists
~ praying (or trying to), reading what others say inspires them, reflecting about God, being concerned, etc....
betting on atheism
~ being indifferent
~ living as if God does not exist

how should you choose?
Factors involved in any betting situation:
- probability: likelihood that what you bet on will win.
- payoff: what you get if you win
- cost: what you pay up front to make the bet.

Pascal's two assumptions:
1. If God does not exist, there is no afterlife.
2. If God exists, seeking God leads to eternal fulfillment and happiness.

Satisfaction/dissatisfaction guarantees:

For betting on God-
Satisfaction guarantee- if you bet on God and you're right, you will experience the satisfaction of realizing you made the right choice (heaven, etc)

No satisfaction guarantee- if you bet on God and you're wrong, you will never experience thedissatisfaction at realizing you made the wrong choice.

For betting on Atheism-
No Satisfaction guarantee- if you bet on atheism and you're right, you will never experience the satisfaction at realizing you made the right choice.

Dissatisfaction guarantee- if you bet on atheism and you lose, you will always experience the dissatisfaction of realizing you made the wrong choice.

In essence:
- if you bet on God, you will only know you made the right choice.
- if you bet on atheism, you experience nothing or dissatisfaction.

Oh boy

Is it so wrong that I am a woman and deserve to be treated like a lady? A lady needs love, attention, flowers every once in a while, heart felt cards... She especially needs to know that she will always come first...      


Love isn't love unless it is expressed;
caring isn't caring unless the other person knows;
sharing isn't sharing unless the other person is included;

Aries Woman & Capricorn Man

This match can work, but it will take a lot of hard work. You and Capricorn would seem to be complete opposites. He is practical and serious; you are spontaneous and fun-loving. He is slow to share his thoughts and feelings; you find it easy to say what you think. Even with these differences, however, a strong love can grow between an Aries girl and a Capricorn boy. It’s just that it will take a really, really long time and a lot of patience for things to get on stable ground. He’s not the easiest bet for a soulmate, but a long-term love match with this guy is not impossible to pull off. If you’re willing to work really hard, you can make it work with a Capricorn boy. (Source: Jellybean's Astro-Soulmate Guide )

Your Capricorn bf is all about making his mark on the world, and his aspirations are pretty big.  Together, you can be a force of nature, because you have the grit to inspire him.  Just keep in mind that sometimes, he may be focused on a school project or another duty—and his lack of attention is not about blowing you off.  This combination can be pure gold if you both understand where the other person is coming from.

Happy birthday to me!!!

It's my 22nd birthday today!!!

Today I went to school, am preparing to go to work, and then will have some family members showing up (the ones who remember,lol).

It's chilly today, only 49 degrees but at least the sun is shining :)

I will let you know how my day goes. It's not perfect without my dad and I'm remembering how he always called me at my birthday hour (2:01 PM). But today I am grateful for all the memories and the people in my life :)

Have a great day everyone! HUGS

Just what I needed

I love my godfather Richie and his wife Joyce. My mom and I decided to look at different restaurants for my graduation near an area where we, and they live. Afterwards, we decided to stop by their house and they were very welcoming and told us just what we needed to hear since we were feeling depressed these last couple of days. I won't go into detail, but I did learn a lot about my father, things I never knew about--deep things. Also, for the first time ever, they actually admitted how sometimes when I smile, I look just like my father and my brother. Isn't that something? I never knew these things but somehow it makes a difference to me.

My mom and I went to the cemetery earlier to visit my dad and the experience made me peaceful. I know that my dad would not want me to be sad, spiteful or angry. I had to see him before my birthday (March 29) just because I have been feeling anxious.

Another word of advice Joyce told me--sometimes life just sucks. I came up with this metaphor in the car ride home. Everyone in the world holds on, right?. Some people have a platform and holding on is easier while others, like me, have no platform but need to hold on nevertheless. As you can maybe tell, I'm working really hard on being happy for my birthday,lol

Egoism (not to be confused with Egotism)

1. 1. The ethical doctrine that morality has its foundations in self-interest.
   2. The ethical belief that self-interest is the just and proper motive for all human conduct.
2. Excessive preoccupation with one's own well-being and interests, usually accompanied by an inflated sense of self-importance.

I've actually never heard of this word until today and it makes perfect sense to me. How many people do we know that abide by this concept and live according to what makes them, and only them, happy? Rather then taking that extra step and showing effort for someone else's good, they think "well how will this benefit ME?"

I've recently had a situation where someone actually admitted to me that they don't care about two of my family members. After asking the reason why, the person said "oh, well, if it was the other way around, they wouldn't care or ask about me or my family" !!! If it was the other way around! Well these two people are very fond of this person but if they only knew that the feeling isn't reciprocated. This hurts my feelings. How can this person dislike or not care about my family in such a way?!

Problem with a Professor

First grade......B (ok not bad)
Second grade......B (sigh)
next step...talk to my professor asap

It's not that I don't mind getting B's; my problem in this particular English class seems to be my Professor's impeccable memory of how ambitious  I was two years ago, and how I'm lagging behind this semester. After this second B, I decided it was time for a talk. He noticed how I'm distracted this year and so I 'fessed up on what's been happening lately. After a second of sympathy, we went on to what changes I can make on my revision and off I went on my merry way.

At this point in time with graduation looming ahead, I'm not as afraid of a B as I was previously. Likewise, I am also not afraid of what can happen when I don't do my best. I had a situation at work that disappointed me. My lesson learned? I have to do what seems right to me and if someone has a different opinion, then so be it. Sometimes a B is better then killing yourself over an A!

My birthday is coming up so I'm going to try to be happy for the rest of this month :)

Shopping!

After shopping with my mom, for my mom yesterday, today we decided to go to the mall and look for a graduation dress for me. Now I don't know about you guys, but shopping for a dress is harddd! Take away all the crazy prints, extremely low hemlines, and ugly colors, there is almost nothing left! Our first stop was Nordstrom's where I eyed a few things and tried on dresses. Figuring I'll shop around a little bit more, we left the store empty handed. We went to Macy's, Bloomingdale's, Zara's, and a bunch of places next. After a couple of hours and lunch, we went back to Nordstrom's since the first dress I tried on was better than nothing (turns out it looks fabulous at home,lol).

At the end, I got the dress, a white sweater sort of thing to go with the dress, a white jacket, and a salmon/orangely kind of sweater that really looks good! I'm content.

Now, all I need is a white bag to match and I'm all set. College graduation is a big deal after all!

Under the Weather

I feel so blah today. Sometimes my situation seems to stand out and scream that I'm alone, being punished, or neglected. Why do some people survive cancer and others don't? Why did I have to lose my dad at 21? That will always be a very tender age for me. Lost my naivety about the "perfect" family at 20 and that's when I realized that some parts of life are so very very bad. That's what I'm feeling sometimes...

I'm still waiting to hear from my grad schools. They sent me letters in Jan saying that they have my completed application and that their answers should arrive this semester. If that was 2 months ago, then I guess they means towards the end of the semester....I need to find out as soon as possible since I have FAFSA ready to go out to them. Please let me find out soon..

On a better note: I'm on spring break!!! Yay

What I think about the entire Anna Nicole Smith fiasco

What a sad case. Yet I can't keep my eyes and ears off the television screen whenever I hear any new developments. When my boyfriend texted me that she had died, I was in shock. Then I wasn't all that surprised. She was a person who had so much going for her, yet she didn't know what to do with herself. She probably spiraled into depression when her son died, but what about that baby girl?

Drugs: Anna made the mistake of allowing her son to drop out of school and take drugs. I know, I know, she probably thought "who am I to tell him not to take them when I do it as well?" That's the problem and she let it get way out of hand. Her son Daniel most probably overdosed and mixed his prescription medication with something else and that's sad. The poor boy had a whacko for a mother, he had no chance in that kind of an environment..

Paternity: There are so many men saying they are Dannielyn's father its crazy. Personally, I think Larry Birkhead is the father and I hope he is. He seems to be the most sane out of all of those nuts. Although money is one of the primary motives here, the baby needs a father, her biological father, and needs to have a normal life. Who knows? Maybe its a good thing that it happened this way because what kind of a mother was Anna? Although I never knew her and I'm sure that she was nice, Anna was already too far gone, especially after her son died.

My hopes: If Larry turns out to be the biological father of Dannielyn then I do hope he takes responsibility and raises his daughter right. If he is not the father then I pray that whoever he is, he takes the title of "dad" seriously.

Remember, Anna Nicole Smith was a regular woman who just happened to get famous--and not because she found a cure for something or did any kind of good. People really need to settle this matter finally. In any case, I am helplessly interested in what happens to this young girl. I'm curious to see what happens...

One New and One Familiar

if thou must love me, let it be for nought                  

by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

If thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love's sake only. Do not say
"I love her for her smile her look her way
Of speaking gently, for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of ease on such a day"
For these things in themselves, Beloved, may
Be changed, or change for thee, and love, so wrought,
May be unwrought so. Neither love me for
Thine own dear pity's wiping my cheek dry,
A creature might forget to weep, who bore
Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby!
But love me for love's sake, that evermore
Thou may'st love on, through love's eternity.

and

The road not taken
by Robert Frost

Two roads tdiverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;	5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,	10
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.	15
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.	20

The magnitude of an otherwise ordinary day

I'm going to post today since I don't know how much time I will have tomorrow.

Feb 6 will be one year since my father's cancer diagnosis. If you are like me and have gone through something traumatic, you will understand how I can never forget these anniversaries. I continue to mourn every day; cry every day; and think about my dad every hour, every half hour. I think about the past, present and future. I try not to think about that terrible weekend and what he had gone through, but how can I not?

This Feb 6 will also be 3 months since my dad died. I tend to get the feeling as though my spirit is in a coma. This is my reality and I have grown up, quickly. I just pray that I may give other people a shot into understanding me. I'm afraid that I have closed off any thought that people know how desperate or lonely I sometimes feel.

I planned a trip to Orlando, Florida this coming June :) We have a time share and we would lose the money if we did not use it this year. I'm looking forward to it :)

School days

I started my last (yess!!) semester of my undergraduate study last Wednesday and let me tell you--I have around 22 books for 3 classes only!! Yuck. Not all of them are long though, so I should be done with one in 2 or 3 days. I'm ready for the challenge

My subjects are: Theology of Mary & the Saints
                              Modern Drama
                              Antebellum American Lit (which is basically literature that helped define our nation politically, socially, you get the idea)
                               Shakespeare and the City
                               The Art of film

All sounds interesting although I hope it won't be too difficult.

On a side note, we got our first "batch" of snow today. The kids from my after school program were upset that it didn't stick,lol. Maybe next time?

Days go by

This year will be better. Although I thought long and hard about it, I decided to go out on New Years Eve and celebrate with my boyfriend and two friends. Originally I was positive I was going to go until some members of my family thought it was a bad idea since my dad died not too long ago. So I thought about it. Finally I decided that I don't go out very often and no amount of clubs or parties will take away the pain that I have anyway

Being that New Years Eve was on a Sunday, I went to mass that day and prayed and contemplated some more. I spoke to my dad and felt better afterward. And you know what, I had a great time that night.

I'm just finishing a book called On Grief and Grieving by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler. Kubler-Ross was the woman who came up with the 5 stages of grief and this book is amazing and is for people who have lost a loved one. It's a general book that applies to any kind of loss and brings me comfort. Every day, I make sure to read at least a part of it to help me with my own grief. I still can't believe that I only have one parent. It's so lonely and miserable sometimes that I just don't know what to do. I want time to move on yet I don't want to experience those anniversaries. My birthday in March will be the hardest because my dad always looked forward to that day and celebrated it as if it was his own birthday. Last year (when I turned 21) we wanted to go to Atlantic City to celebrate but he was already too sick. I know that out of all days, he would make sure to be there on my birthday..but he won't.

Tonight I'm seeing Jason and I might go to the mall to buy this light blue necklace that I fell in love with last month,lol. Shopping always manages to make me feel better.

I hope everyone had a great New Years! After reading all of your journals, I bet the answer is yes :)