Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Looking Back

Next Tuesday will be the one year anniversary of my father's death and I've been contemplating this entire year. It makes me sad and anxious that this had to happen and I still do not understand. I had a hard time going to sleep last night since I was envisioning the night he died and the gasps of air he had to take in the end. I know I should not think like this but I can't help it. Maybe its the summation of the week I had that is causing me to feel this way. Let me go back to last week..

A week ago I found out that the mother of a grammar school classmate of mine had died from lung cancer at the age of 47. I went to the wake and the funeral the day afterwards but I mourned for my father as well. It has been the first funeral since my dad's and I relived the moment. I felt for my friend especially since the one year mark is looming ahead.

Yesterday my best friend called me to tell me her own grandmother had succumbed to lung cancer. Once again, I felt shock and sadness and kept talking to her since she was alone in the hospital next to her grandma's body. About two weeks ago, I had gone over to visit her on her name day and she was really appreciative of me being there. I felt like she was my grandmother.

I just finished looking over the condolences and cards we had received and I miss my father. I'm afraid that I will forget things that I remember from a year or more ago. Will the details fade? Will I forget his facial expressions or the humor that he had? I even went back to my archives on this journal and there are so many things I had forgotten that occurred. I know that my father wasn't perfect but it is still a loss. I will probably write more in the days to come...

I almost forgot.... Happy Halloween my friends!!! Trick or Treat!

1 comment:

xxroxymamaxx said...

No you will not forget his face.  My grandmother died when I was only 8 and I can see her face in my mind and smell her scent, invision everything about her. I don't think it goes away just like that.  And these things that you have written here are so many reasons why we must NOT smoke.  Oh my goodness, I can't believe I ever did it.  I've been quit for 8 months 1 week and 4 days to be exact! : )  I hope you had a nice Halloween too. Love, Shelly