What I think about the entire Anna Nicole Smith fiasco

What a sad case. Yet I can't keep my eyes and ears off the television screen whenever I hear any new developments. When my boyfriend texted me that she had died, I was in shock. Then I wasn't all that surprised. She was a person who had so much going for her, yet she didn't know what to do with herself. She probably spiraled into depression when her son died, but what about that baby girl?

Drugs: Anna made the mistake of allowing her son to drop out of school and take drugs. I know, I know, she probably thought "who am I to tell him not to take them when I do it as well?" That's the problem and she let it get way out of hand. Her son Daniel most probably overdosed and mixed his prescription medication with something else and that's sad. The poor boy had a whacko for a mother, he had no chance in that kind of an environment..

Paternity: There are so many men saying they are Dannielyn's father its crazy. Personally, I think Larry Birkhead is the father and I hope he is. He seems to be the most sane out of all of those nuts. Although money is one of the primary motives here, the baby needs a father, her biological father, and needs to have a normal life. Who knows? Maybe its a good thing that it happened this way because what kind of a mother was Anna? Although I never knew her and I'm sure that she was nice, Anna was already too far gone, especially after her son died.

My hopes: If Larry turns out to be the biological father of Dannielyn then I do hope he takes responsibility and raises his daughter right. If he is not the father then I pray that whoever he is, he takes the title of "dad" seriously.

Remember, Anna Nicole Smith was a regular woman who just happened to get famous--and not because she found a cure for something or did any kind of good. People really need to settle this matter finally. In any case, I am helplessly interested in what happens to this young girl. I'm curious to see what happens...

One New and One Familiar

if thou must love me, let it be for nought                  

by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

If thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love's sake only. Do not say
"I love her for her smile her look her way
Of speaking gently, for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of ease on such a day"
For these things in themselves, Beloved, may
Be changed, or change for thee, and love, so wrought,
May be unwrought so. Neither love me for
Thine own dear pity's wiping my cheek dry,
A creature might forget to weep, who bore
Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby!
But love me for love's sake, that evermore
Thou may'st love on, through love's eternity.

and

The road not taken
by Robert Frost

Two roads tdiverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;	5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,	10
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.	15
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.	20

The magnitude of an otherwise ordinary day

I'm going to post today since I don't know how much time I will have tomorrow.

Feb 6 will be one year since my father's cancer diagnosis. If you are like me and have gone through something traumatic, you will understand how I can never forget these anniversaries. I continue to mourn every day; cry every day; and think about my dad every hour, every half hour. I think about the past, present and future. I try not to think about that terrible weekend and what he had gone through, but how can I not?

This Feb 6 will also be 3 months since my dad died. I tend to get the feeling as though my spirit is in a coma. This is my reality and I have grown up, quickly. I just pray that I may give other people a shot into understanding me. I'm afraid that I have closed off any thought that people know how desperate or lonely I sometimes feel.

I planned a trip to Orlando, Florida this coming June :) We have a time share and we would lose the money if we did not use it this year. I'm looking forward to it :)

School days

I started my last (yess!!) semester of my undergraduate study last Wednesday and let me tell you--I have around 22 books for 3 classes only!! Yuck. Not all of them are long though, so I should be done with one in 2 or 3 days. I'm ready for the challenge

My subjects are: Theology of Mary & the Saints
                              Modern Drama
                              Antebellum American Lit (which is basically literature that helped define our nation politically, socially, you get the idea)
                               Shakespeare and the City
                               The Art of film

All sounds interesting although I hope it won't be too difficult.

On a side note, we got our first "batch" of snow today. The kids from my after school program were upset that it didn't stick,lol. Maybe next time?

Days go by

This year will be better. Although I thought long and hard about it, I decided to go out on New Years Eve and celebrate with my boyfriend and two friends. Originally I was positive I was going to go until some members of my family thought it was a bad idea since my dad died not too long ago. So I thought about it. Finally I decided that I don't go out very often and no amount of clubs or parties will take away the pain that I have anyway

Being that New Years Eve was on a Sunday, I went to mass that day and prayed and contemplated some more. I spoke to my dad and felt better afterward. And you know what, I had a great time that night.

I'm just finishing a book called On Grief and Grieving by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler. Kubler-Ross was the woman who came up with the 5 stages of grief and this book is amazing and is for people who have lost a loved one. It's a general book that applies to any kind of loss and brings me comfort. Every day, I make sure to read at least a part of it to help me with my own grief. I still can't believe that I only have one parent. It's so lonely and miserable sometimes that I just don't know what to do. I want time to move on yet I don't want to experience those anniversaries. My birthday in March will be the hardest because my dad always looked forward to that day and celebrated it as if it was his own birthday. Last year (when I turned 21) we wanted to go to Atlantic City to celebrate but he was already too sick. I know that out of all days, he would make sure to be there on my birthday..but he won't.

Tonight I'm seeing Jason and I might go to the mall to buy this light blue necklace that I fell in love with last month,lol. Shopping always manages to make me feel better.

I hope everyone had a great New Years! After reading all of your journals, I bet the answer is yes :)

Ahaa

I realized why I feel so bad every single evening. It's because it's at this time that my dad always came home and spent time with my mom and me. Anyone wanna be my buddy and chat with me between the hours of 5-8??

My contemplation for the day

"Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. You have to let go of who you were, to become who you will be." Sex and the City

Although I never watched Sex and the City until it came on TBS (I think) and I hardly watch it now, this quote came up twice in one day and is a sign that it is worthy of my attention.

You see, yesterday evening I was browsing through facebook--a site where college and hs people can chat and catch up on school/personal events. Out of nowhere, this quote from someone's page caught my eye and I pondered over it. Then, a few hours later in the evening, I happened to catch this quote when I watched Sex and the City. What are the chances that I would watch the exact show where this person got her quote from??Needless to say, and since I have more time on my hands since school finished, I thought of what relevance this quote has for me.

In this episode, Carrie decides to let go a part of herself in order to move on in her personal life. After doing some thinking I can determine that there are (so far) two instances in my life that I am sure I have let go in order to find out who I might become next. The first time that this happened was in October of 2004. My grandmother had died 2 months prior and I was feeling extremely low. Although school was going okay, everything else wasn't. I decided to finally take a chance and go out as a way of helping myself. It turned out that on that night I got a chance to meet new friends and develop a new relationship. In a way I let go of my old self to discover these new possibilities.

The second time this happened was again about 2 years ago when I fully got over a bad relationship. I can safely say that it wasn't until I had completely let go that I was able to move on in my present relationship. Also, I got back in touch with one of my best high school friends which is good.

So far, those are the only 2 times where this has become so obvious to me. It's only through retrospection and thought that one can pinpoint these changes taking place. I am also realizing that these moments of self-renewal or whatever one chooses to call them, tend to not fall on holidays or the seasonal calender. Rather, they occur in our own personal calenders and that's why people don't always recognize them. I feel that they happen at the moments we least expect but at the times we most need them to.

So don't worry if you seem stuck at some place or feel that nothing new is going on. Sometimes the most wonderful changes and occurrences happen in the ordinary! :)